Thoughts on Opening – by Manic

Subconscious Communication

Probably the most common question in pickup is “How do I talk to (open) a girl?” In my opinion, the answer would be however you want. However you feel the most comfortable walking up to a girl and starting a conversation is is the best way for you to open. In my experience, in the first moments of an interaction, a girl will respond more to your vibe and your level of comfort than what you’re saying anyway. It will be on, or it won’t. Thus, saying something that isn’t congruent with yourself, no matter how many people have sworn by it, will not only rarely work, but pretty much be pointless. It will be see through, it will make you feel odd which in turn will make the girl feed odd. A girl, and people in general, will know exactly who you are and what you’re all about within seconds of noticing you. I call this subconscious communication. This has been mentioned already in the community with terms such as ‘Subcommunications’. Consciously, when we feel someone’s vibe our subconscious mind is picking up the ton of subtle information that clues us in on who that person really is. This information cannot be faked, and it’s rarely incorrect. And I believe it’s this information that governs an interaction. It’s because of this that naturals can say anything, or nothing, and attract girls. On this level of communication they’re screaming “I’m attractive to women”. It’s also because of this that when you’re in an awesome state of mind, you can pull off saying ridiculous things, but in a shit mood, even your best lines don’t work. You’re subconsciously communicating that you feel great or shit, and this outshines whatever you’re saying. Have you ever thought a girl was visually attractive then lost some degree of attraction when she spoke? It’s the same reason. Subconsciously you picked up something about her in her voice that perhaps wasn’t congruent with what you’re attracted to. Or have you ever noticed someone across a room and immediately though “Cool!” or “Loser!” without having even met them? Voila. Subconsciously, you’ve read them, but of course all your simple conscious mind thinks is “I like/dislike that person”.

There Should Be No Tricks

Given the above, I’m a believer that there should be no tricks or rules to talking to girls. There will be attraction (or at least interest) or there won’t be, it’s that simple. Go talk to the girl, it will work or it won’t. Now I’m not saying that what you say has nothing to do with it. Obviously, it does. If you can get a girl laughing at what you’re saying for instance, that is ace! But it’s your subconscious communication that matters the most and again, you have no say in what you’re communicating on this level. All you can do is look your best (looks DO count, a girl will always be more receptive to someone visually attractive) and gradually get more and more comfortable with talking to girls. When you feel more comfortable with all of it, you will start seeing better responses. Oh and this doesn’t mean faking super confidence because a) it will be see through and b) most girls will find a certain degree of nervousness charming. It shows sincerity.

Which Method To Take – Some Considerations

If you feel comfortable asking for an opinion, go for it. If you want to lie and say you’re not from around here, or ask for the time (great if you’re wearing a watch), go for it (no I don’t encourage lying, but if you’re using this to get over your opening speed bump, or to get into a chatty state which I sometimes do, what harm can come of it. You can always turn around later and confess that you just wanted to talk to her). Or if you don’t want bullshit and simply want to admit upfront that you think a girl is cute and wanted to meet her (my favourite), go for it. I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to open. I know people who use routines very effectively, and yet I feel like a knob when I do. Does this mean routines are shit? No, or they wouldn’t work for that person. They just don’t work well for me. I know people who are massively direct (i.e. “I’d love to fuck you” as an opener) and can actually make it work, whereas again I’d feel like a knob. Another awesome approach, but only if it suits your personality. Don’t try and do shit that you don’t feel congruent with you because it will be see through and you too will look like a knob.

The Natural Approach

Personally I’m all for the natural, direct approach simply because I feel the most comfortable doing so. If there is something I can use about the situation or environment I will, because again, simply, she will respond well or she won’t. If she is open to conversation, anything will work. If not, not much would. Talking, I believe, is just the human mating dance. When animals dance and carry on, they know it’s about sex, but they still go through it. It’s required. Likewise, us humans make small talk but underneath, both parties know what’s really going on. As an experiment you can stop girls on the street and ask them the time, paying attention to how they respond. By being more aware of their vibe, you will see who would be open to more conversation and who would not. If you don’t get a warm vibe, often there is nothing you can do. Go talk to someone else.

The Direct Approach

Alternatively if there is nothing ‘normal’ to start a conversation with, and logistically I can’t just say “Hi”, I will go direct. “You’re way to sexy to not talk to”, “I had to come and meet you”, and “You’re cute, who’re you?” (the first words I spoke to my now girlfriend) are all examples of this. This is exactly what’s on my mind at the time so I don’t really have to think of anything to say. Said in a drunken or cheesy manner, lines like this will rarely work. You’ll be just another one of those “Hey you’re hot!” guys, to which she’ll respond “Thank you Captain Creative!” I try to say it with complete sincerity. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But in this case, you have been honest, direct and ballsy which for me feels right.

I like the direct approach because for me it minimises initial weirdness. Have you ever had someone stop you on the street and start talking to you while you stood there wondering what they wanted from you? You knew it was most likely spare change, or a cigarette, or to save the whales or something, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it and it made you feel uneasy. I wonder if approaching a girl and hiding why you’re talking to her makes her feel the same way. So I like this approach to opening not because it is the most successful (I don’t really think it is. There is a high chance of blow out, but if it’s on, it’s really on) but because it feels best for me.

Observations On Learning

I’ve noticed that a lot of people try to run before walking when it comes to opening. They don’t want to say stuff that seems too easy, or trivial, and yet they don’t feel comfortable with “proper” openers. And they don’t feel comfortable talking to hot girls but refuse to talk to average looking ones. So they do nothing. Is walking around asking 10 girls for a better venue better than trying vainly all night to get the words “Hi you’re cute, I had to meet you” out of your mouth? Fuckin ay! And is talking to random average looking chicks better than standing staring at the few hotties, wishing you could talk to them? Fuckin ay! Both will at least get you talking and may help you get into a more social frame of mind. In a good state, even stupid things will often work. In a great state I’ve successfully opened sets with rubbish such as “Hey do you know where your g-spot is?, “My friend’s taking a shit, can I talk to you?” and “Hey what’s a good opener?” I was with a guy once who leaned into a group to tell them he farted. Because he was comfortable doing it, they laughed.

An Off Night – Keep It In Perspective

So on the opposite end of the spectrum is when you’re just not into it. I’ve found myself many times completely inside my head and paranoid, wandering around a bar pretending to not know my way around Melbourne, asking people for better clubs, simply to get out of my head. At the end of the day, talking to strangers in NOT normal, and sometimes you definitely feel that, especially if you’re like me and don’t particularly like partying and night life. The most annoying thing in pick up is that one night you will go out and be the awesome guy that everyone wants to know, and the very next night you will be the loser in the corner than no one even notices. One day the random in the supermarket is quiet potentially your new fuck buddy, the next you wish she’d just get her mushrooms and get the fuck out of your way. It sucks, but expect it! You’re only human and your moods will vary massively. And you will never get 100% strike rate. You will speak to many girls and most will not be interested in fucking you. ‘Get any Girl you Want’ is marketed massively in the pick up community, but I don’t buy it for a second, and I have yet to meet anyone to prove it’s validity. I know the best PUAs in the Melbourne community and I’ve seen pretty much all of them get shut down. Does it mean they aren’t awesome guys? No. Does it mean they have no game? No. It’s just what it is – a girl not interested in talking then and there. That same girl hours later might be different. I was once shut down by one girl three times, then as I was walking out, she came after me and asked if she could add me on Facebook. Most of this will never make sense. And social calibration can prevent you ‘Getting Any Girl You Want’. If I spotted a stunning girl sitting tight with friends, laughing and enjoying their company, my sense of social courtesy would prevent me interrupting them to talk to her. I would wait for an invitation through eye contact, a better moment or just find another girl to talk to. There are plenty of girls out there, and if you only speak to one today/tonight, you’ve already done more than 99% of guys out there. And if she doesn’t open, meh, she’s not rejecting you, she doesn’t even know the real you. From what I’ve seen, the guys who get good at this quickly are they guys who talk to a ton of women and who deal with rejection with a “Meh, next!” attitude. I’ve been shut down by literally thousands of women. I’ve been punched, spat on, and sworn at. I’ve worn drinks, been humiliated and laughed at. You name it, I’ve copped it. I have crash and burn stories to match any pick up story. But as a result of all that, I’ve also met countless great women, had a lot of great sex, learnt heaps about human behaviour and recently settled with an amazing girlfriend.

So To Conclude …

A girl knows what you’re after when you talk to her, she’s not stupid. If she’s at all attractive, she’s been well socialised and she knows that any guy who speaks to her is probably interested in her. So you can either decide to take on the ‘Fuck it, she knows what I’m all about so I’m not hiding it’ attitude or the ‘Small talk is part of the human mating dance’ attitude. Both have valid arguments and I guess I incorporate both. Either way, your subconscious communication and how you feel at the time will mostly govern the interaction. Just look your best, try to get into a good mood and do whatever you feel like. See what happens, and repeat.

Asking how to open properly is like asking how to meditate properly. It’s all subjective and there is no right answer. All you can do is stop reading, stop thinking, get some good friends (this will help your state immeasurably) and try repeatedly. To some degree this IS a numbers game. I suggest you forget all the methods and figure out your own.