Stop Giving Your Power Away

June 22, 2009

OK, so you fixed your body language and now it’s tight. You have no ticks and you kino quite well.

Most likely, the place where you now lose the most attraction, if you come from a background of ‘nice guy’ is verbally.

Basically the thought process is:
They said something -> they’ve presented their standards -> I’ll show them I can live up to this standard

The actual problem is in the interpretation of something that someone said as a ’standard’ and willing to deviate and represent yourself and malleable and false ways. It comes from not knowing who you are, or alternatively not having strong opinions and sticking to them.

Examples:
Trying to get rapport too early, and over nothing.

Basically answering a short anecdote of hers with a longer one of yours, showing you really want to impress. E.g:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Oh really? A friend of mine went to Egypt with his family when he was 15. He told me he went to all the pyramids bla bla bla bla” (for 30 seconds)

Ironically, this makes a girl feel like you’re not listening, despite your best intentions… You look like you wanna hog attention.

A better way:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Cool” (that’s enough to appreciate her statement). “Do you ride Camels there?” Smiley (show more interest and let her talk)

Basically, avoid talking too much if she hasn’t. You come off as a douche, and you lose your power.

Answering the “Why” question

This has got to be the biggest one. I see guys doing this so much and it’s just ridiculous. For some reason, when people ask them a question, or sometimes just make an inane comment, they would reply with explaining the reasons to a certain behavior that they’ve done… Talking to people who’s automatic reply is this sort of defensiveness is quite exhausting and makes you feel like they have low self esteem (which they do).

Example:
Girl: “It’s so annoying when guys keep looking into my cleavage”

-> However mind filter for nice guy hears “WHY did you stare into my cleavage?” and so the answer

Guy: “I wasn’t staring at your cleavage”

Arghhhhhhh, exhausting.
Even if some people try to consciously get a reaction out of you that way, don’t react to something like that. I never explain my behavior unless directly asked.
And when directly asked my answer is, more often than not, along the lines of “because that’s what I did / that’s what I want to do”. I may make it more fun, but I hold my right to my behaviors as I know they have good intent.

Example:
Girl: “Why were you holding my hand before?”
Me: “Because I wanted to hold your hand”

Being TOO polite
Notice the following verbal leakage of power:

Ex.1: Can you pass the salt?
Ex.2: Excuse me, sorry. Can you please please pass the salt? Thank thanks. Sorry for asking again.

Basically every time you use the three magic words – please, thank you, sorry – you are giving some power to the person you’re talking to. That’s fine and it’s part of social grace. But please (ha, see what I did there) only use it once. Apologizing more than once, for example is very often more annoying than anything else.

I’ve found that I actually use different words now. Something more along the lines of:
“I have to warn you, I’m quite a messy eater”

much more powerful than

“Let me apologize in advance for being such a messy eater”

Being inconclusive
High usage of the words “like”, “might”, “maybe”, “try”, “sort of”, “kind of”, “I think”, “in my opinion” etc etc.
There is rarely a need to qualify statements with those sort of words. Every time you use them, it’s almost like you’re saying “Oooh, this is a bit edgy, I don’t know how it fits with their world view”.
It’s different if you KNOW they think the opposite. Then you’re being graceful.

Many other times, this is just quite weak. Be a man, make a decision, explain it and go for it. The same for every opinion you hold.

How to fix this

Beliefs create and support habits, and vice versa. Behaviors like this support various beliefs about being not-as-good as other people.

You can attack the issue at various points – the level of self-talk / programming (complete inner game), changing your state (somewhere in between) or your actions (complete outer game). The results will most probably be the same, and the best route of action is a combination of them.

A good couple of affirmations for inner game are attached below. When you pose a negative affirmation to contradict a behavior you have you start noticing it more and more. In the moment, you become aware of how negative it is and how you’re acting from a place of low self esteem. That really helps to weed out that behavior pattern.

- I no longer need to explain myself, to anyone.
- I never attempt to meet anyone standards.
- I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me (cred: RSD Tim)

After those have become a bit easier and that behavior starts disappearing, you can affirm the opposite:

- People / girls explain their behavior to me all the time.
- People /girls always try to meet my standards.
- Everyone needs my approval

Cheers,
Q

Thoughts on Opening – by Manic

November 22, 2008

Subconscious Communication

Probably the most common question in pickup is “How do I talk to (open) a girl?” In my opinion, the answer would be however you want. However you feel the most comfortable walking up to a girl and starting a conversation is is the best way for you to open. In my experience, in the first moments of an interaction, a girl will respond more to your vibe and your level of comfort than what you’re saying anyway. It will be on, or it won’t. Thus, saying something that isn’t congruent with yourself, no matter how many people have sworn by it, will not only rarely work, but pretty much be pointless. It will be see through, it will make you feel odd which in turn will make the girl feed odd. A girl, and people in general, will know exactly who you are and what you’re all about within seconds of noticing you. I call this subconscious communication. This has been mentioned already in the community with terms such as ‘Subcommunications’. Consciously, when we feel someone’s vibe our subconscious mind is picking up the ton of subtle information that clues us in on who that person really is. This information cannot be faked, and it’s rarely incorrect. And I believe it’s this information that governs an interaction. It’s because of this that naturals can say anything, or nothing, and attract girls. On this level of communication they’re screaming “I’m attractive to women”. It’s also because of this that when you’re in an awesome state of mind, you can pull off saying ridiculous things, but in a shit mood, even your best lines don’t work. You’re subconsciously communicating that you feel great or shit, and this outshines whatever you’re saying. Have you ever thought a girl was visually attractive then lost some degree of attraction when she spoke? It’s the same reason. Subconsciously you picked up something about her in her voice that perhaps wasn’t congruent with what you’re attracted to. Or have you ever noticed someone across a room and immediately though “Cool!” or “Loser!” without having even met them? Voila. Subconsciously, you’ve read them, but of course all your simple conscious mind thinks is “I like/dislike that person”.

There Should Be No Tricks

Given the above, I’m a believer that there should be no tricks or rules to talking to girls. There will be attraction (or at least interest) or there won’t be, it’s that simple. Go talk to the girl, it will work or it won’t. Now I’m not saying that what you say has nothing to do with it. Obviously, it does. If you can get a girl laughing at what you’re saying for instance, that is ace! But it’s your subconscious communication that matters the most and again, you have no say in what you’re communicating on this level. All you can do is look your best (looks DO count, a girl will always be more receptive to someone visually attractive) and gradually get more and more comfortable with talking to girls. When you feel more comfortable with all of it, you will start seeing better responses. Oh and this doesn’t mean faking super confidence because a) it will be see through and b) most girls will find a certain degree of nervousness charming. It shows sincerity.

Which Method To Take – Some Considerations

If you feel comfortable asking for an opinion, go for it. If you want to lie and say you’re not from around here, or ask for the time (great if you’re wearing a watch), go for it (no I don’t encourage lying, but if you’re using this to get over your opening speed bump, or to get into a chatty state which I sometimes do, what harm can come of it. You can always turn around later and confess that you just wanted to talk to her). Or if you don’t want bullshit and simply want to admit upfront that you think a girl is cute and wanted to meet her (my favourite), go for it. I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to open. I know people who use routines very effectively, and yet I feel like a knob when I do. Does this mean routines are shit? No, or they wouldn’t work for that person. They just don’t work well for me. I know people who are massively direct (i.e. “I’d love to fuck you” as an opener) and can actually make it work, whereas again I’d feel like a knob. Another awesome approach, but only if it suits your personality. Don’t try and do shit that you don’t feel congruent with you because it will be see through and you too will look like a knob.

The Natural Approach

Personally I’m all for the natural, direct approach simply because I feel the most comfortable doing so. If there is something I can use about the situation or environment I will, because again, simply, she will respond well or she won’t. If she is open to conversation, anything will work. If not, not much would. Talking, I believe, is just the human mating dance. When animals dance and carry on, they know it’s about sex, but they still go through it. It’s required. Likewise, us humans make small talk but underneath, both parties know what’s really going on. As an experiment you can stop girls on the street and ask them the time, paying attention to how they respond. By being more aware of their vibe, you will see who would be open to more conversation and who would not. If you don’t get a warm vibe, often there is nothing you can do. Go talk to someone else.

The Direct Approach

Alternatively if there is nothing ‘normal’ to start a conversation with, and logistically I can’t just say “Hi”, I will go direct. “You’re way to sexy to not talk to”, “I had to come and meet you”, and “You’re cute, who’re you?” (the first words I spoke to my now girlfriend) are all examples of this. This is exactly what’s on my mind at the time so I don’t really have to think of anything to say. Said in a drunken or cheesy manner, lines like this will rarely work. You’ll be just another one of those “Hey you’re hot!” guys, to which she’ll respond “Thank you Captain Creative!” I try to say it with complete sincerity. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But in this case, you have been honest, direct and ballsy which for me feels right.

I like the direct approach because for me it minimises initial weirdness. Have you ever had someone stop you on the street and start talking to you while you stood there wondering what they wanted from you? You knew it was most likely spare change, or a cigarette, or to save the whales or something, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it and it made you feel uneasy. I wonder if approaching a girl and hiding why you’re talking to her makes her feel the same way. So I like this approach to opening not because it is the most successful (I don’t really think it is. There is a high chance of blow out, but if it’s on, it’s really on) but because it feels best for me.

Observations On Learning

I’ve noticed that a lot of people try to run before walking when it comes to opening. They don’t want to say stuff that seems too easy, or trivial, and yet they don’t feel comfortable with “proper” openers. And they don’t feel comfortable talking to hot girls but refuse to talk to average looking ones. So they do nothing. Is walking around asking 10 girls for a better venue better than trying vainly all night to get the words “Hi you’re cute, I had to meet you” out of your mouth? Fuckin ay! And is talking to random average looking chicks better than standing staring at the few hotties, wishing you could talk to them? Fuckin ay! Both will at least get you talking and may help you get into a more social frame of mind. In a good state, even stupid things will often work. In a great state I’ve successfully opened sets with rubbish such as “Hey do you know where your g-spot is?, “My friend’s taking a shit, can I talk to you?” and “Hey what’s a good opener?” I was with a guy once who leaned into a group to tell them he farted. Because he was comfortable doing it, they laughed.

An Off Night – Keep It In Perspective

So on the opposite end of the spectrum is when you’re just not into it. I’ve found myself many times completely inside my head and paranoid, wandering around a bar pretending to not know my way around Melbourne, asking people for better clubs, simply to get out of my head. At the end of the day, talking to strangers in NOT normal, and sometimes you definitely feel that, especially if you’re like me and don’t particularly like partying and night life. The most annoying thing in pick up is that one night you will go out and be the awesome guy that everyone wants to know, and the very next night you will be the loser in the corner than no one even notices. One day the random in the supermarket is quiet potentially your new fuck buddy, the next you wish she’d just get her mushrooms and get the fuck out of your way. It sucks, but expect it! You’re only human and your moods will vary massively. And you will never get 100% strike rate. You will speak to many girls and most will not be interested in fucking you. ‘Get any Girl you Want’ is marketed massively in the pick up community, but I don’t buy it for a second, and I have yet to meet anyone to prove it’s validity. I know the best PUAs in the Melbourne community and I’ve seen pretty much all of them get shut down. Does it mean they aren’t awesome guys? No. Does it mean they have no game? No. It’s just what it is – a girl not interested in talking then and there. That same girl hours later might be different. I was once shut down by one girl three times, then as I was walking out, she came after me and asked if she could add me on Facebook. Most of this will never make sense. And social calibration can prevent you ‘Getting Any Girl You Want’. If I spotted a stunning girl sitting tight with friends, laughing and enjoying their company, my sense of social courtesy would prevent me interrupting them to talk to her. I would wait for an invitation through eye contact, a better moment or just find another girl to talk to. There are plenty of girls out there, and if you only speak to one today/tonight, you’ve already done more than 99% of guys out there. And if she doesn’t open, meh, she’s not rejecting you, she doesn’t even know the real you. From what I’ve seen, the guys who get good at this quickly are they guys who talk to a ton of women and who deal with rejection with a “Meh, next!” attitude. I’ve been shut down by literally thousands of women. I’ve been punched, spat on, and sworn at. I’ve worn drinks, been humiliated and laughed at. You name it, I’ve copped it. I have crash and burn stories to match any pick up story. But as a result of all that, I’ve also met countless great women, had a lot of great sex, learnt heaps about human behaviour and recently settled with an amazing girlfriend.

So To Conclude …

A girl knows what you’re after when you talk to her, she’s not stupid. If she’s at all attractive, she’s been well socialised and she knows that any guy who speaks to her is probably interested in her. So you can either decide to take on the ‘Fuck it, she knows what I’m all about so I’m not hiding it’ attitude or the ‘Small talk is part of the human mating dance’ attitude. Both have valid arguments and I guess I incorporate both. Either way, your subconscious communication and how you feel at the time will mostly govern the interaction. Just look your best, try to get into a good mood and do whatever you feel like. See what happens, and repeat.

Asking how to open properly is like asking how to meditate properly. It’s all subjective and there is no right answer. All you can do is stop reading, stop thinking, get some good friends (this will help your state immeasurably) and try repeatedly. To some degree this IS a numbers game. I suggest you forget all the methods and figure out your own.

You’re frozen when your heart is not open

May 15, 2008

Hey guys. This is quite a long, and very personal, peek into my life. All the names have been changed to maintain people’s privacy. A lot of lessons have been learnt and I want to share them with you. Here goes.

Who is this man?

XXX is a big American seduction teaching company. I was supposed to be XXX’s main guy in Australia. This is where the story starts.

It started with a little bickering with Benny, another Sydney coach, over the phone – we couldn’t agree on who would lead that weekend’s workshop, as we both wanted to do it and thought we were the best man for the job. I wrote to Supervisor presenting the issue, and let him make his decision. I was expecting him to have me lead that workshop, since XXX was interested in having me represent them here.

I was really surprised by the reply I got the next day. I remember my heart going into my pants when I read in his e-mail that the other instructors had some ‘unpleasant things’ to say about me. He referred me to the instructors forum to read a certain post. I had been asking for access to the instructors forum for a couple of months back then, and kept getting so-called technical reasons for not being able to access it. But that day, I did.

What I read there was just terrible. I didn’t know who was the man they were talking about. Basically speaking, they didn’t like the angle that I did on the workshop.

In all fairness, I have changed drastically from the given curriculum. But there were no paying students (a major administrative fuck up), and the only student we had was one that took the workshop before. I wanted to experiment with teaching my ideas – and I did it with the other instructors approval, as I asked them for their opinion in advance – presenting roughly all the ideas I will be going over. During the workshop, and even the week after that, until the phone call with Benny, I heard no criticism from them. But by then, the instructor’s forum had their opinions about my teaching and me. They didn’t like my ideas, but even worse – they had issues with my psychological make up.

They said I had a dark, bitter side. That I was a megalomaniac. A sociopath. A manipulative misogynist.

Those were people who I thought were my friends… People who I gave a hug to last time I saw during the weekend before, in a workshop we were teaching. People who never mentioned any such form of criticism like this before. Honestly, I’m sitting right here in front of the computer and my eyes just started balling. It’s still a touchy spot.
Most of all, I thought it was a conspiracy back then. I thought it was some sort of political power play where the other instructors wanted me out for their benefit. The reason I thought so was because I couldn’t understand who THE HELL was this person they were describing! Since I knew it wasn’t me, I couldn’t understand why they would write such lies.

Only the main instructor for XXX had kind words to me in that thread:


misogyny will kill you miserably. qball, if you are reading this, know that we are always here for you. we all go thru it. the search for happiness and flow is all that matters.

it’s not about who is right. it’s about what is right.

love always, brothers.

I will not and cannot forget that. Even the people who have met me at that point from XXX were quick to go with the herd and associate me to bad intentions and ill-will, but he had not. Thank God someone still believed that I’m human…

In either way, Supervisor’s e-mail asked me to explain myself and give my version. I opted out of that and rather than explain myself or any of my behaviors, I thanked him for the time I had with XXX and all the things I learnt. I couldn’t even fathom staying to work where people thought that badly of me.

I went on with my life bewildered by what had happened. About a week later, still being on the mailing list for XXX, I got a message that Benny wrote, saying how much of a success his workshop was. He never lead a crowd before, he never felt so confident. I guess he was the right man for the job. I let go of my paranoid ideas of political gain by then, and realized there was probably some feedback there, something I could learn. So, I sent him an e-mail wishing him all the best and asked him if he could elaborate about what I did wrong. I just didn’t understand, really. And for some reason, he thought I wasn’t being sincere about trying to change, and couldn’t come up with any examples. I wrote the other coach a similar e-mail but got no reply. It was a big mystery to me. Who was this man they were speaking of?

An internet quiz reveals my biggest sticking point
2 months passed. My game has been going terribly by then. I was going out, but my mood was terrible. Ever since breaking up with my girlfriend I pulled one girl, and that was two days after the breakup. My libido was down. My mood was down. There was a cloud over my thoughts, something I couldn’t put my finger on – at all!

I got recommended one day to do the personality disorder test on 4degreez.com, just for shits and giggles.

I never thought an internet quiz would change my life so much. It came up with the following:


Disorder Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:High
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:High

Avoidant Personality Disorder:Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

The ones that I got high/very high in basically meant that:
- I can never love anyone as much as I love myself
- I always need to be in the center of attention
- I use people like objects for my purposes

I didn’t even realize that was bad up until it being classified in front of my face as a personality disorder. I thought that’s what you needed to be to ‘get girls’.

I wrote in my blog:

I’ll describe here and now to myself my biggest sticking point:
I’m trying to get something out of girls. I treat them as objects to fulfill my desires, rather than real people. Canned lines that I find myself using lack authenticity, genuine interest and the emotions of love and caring I give to people who are close to me. In short, I am not myself when communicating with girls. The game has taught me many things, but has also suppressed my genuine self.

This message has been given to me so many times. I have realized it before – this is me just writing down my thoughts.
I love the game. It forces me to face my inner demons, slay the dragons of my mind, and become a happier liberated man. And I love all my judges, the lovely girls who I meet, who’s honest feedback as reflected by their actions teaches me what I do right and wrong.

When I did get it, I was shocked. It’s very hard to believe something about yourself you never even knew was there. I was indeed the person the other coaches were describing on the forums!

I wrote e-mails thanking Benny and the other coach for trying to tell me what I was doing wrong.
I guess either I wasn’t ready to listen when they wrote, or perhaps the negative tone of their message in the forum just didn’t help get the message through. But I still love them for trying to guide me out of my pain.

Opening my heart, closure
I put myself on a program to change everything that I thought about women, dropping all routines, agendas or anything else. Forcing myself to go out there everyday and give genuine compliments. And when I couldn’t find that natural genuine vibe, I’d give myself an exercise to sit down and write 10 great things about beautiful girls I see, as well as 3 things that I think are stopping them in life. Basically teaching myself how to open my heart again, to the good honest and loving person I was before I ever knew about the game. While I was doing this little program (it’s called “Superconfidence”, by the way, and is nothing short of amazing), I remember listening to Maddonna’s song “Frozen” one day. It made me cry when she sang these words:

“You’re frozen, when your heart’s not open”.

My heart really was frozen for very long. ‘The game’ brought out the worst demons in me, and inflated them until I couldn’t ignore them anymore. In retrospect, it was a lesson I had to learn.

When I finished this program, all I wanted was closure. Closure with all the women I hurt in my pickup career. All those hearts I tore. It was close to Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. The day of atonement for your sins. I’m very far from being religious, but I like that idea. I don’t fast, I drive my car, and even eat pork on Yom Kippur. But every year, I send apology emails to everyone I think I hurt that year. So I apologized to everyone I could contact. For some I didn’t have any way to do that – no phone, no e-mail, no name…

I eventually met up with a few. And I decided that all I wanted to do when I meet them was to keep my heart open. To take all the shit they can throw at me, all that anger for the things I’ve done to them. And accept it. And love them through it. And not just that. I wanted to be vulnerable.

I told them a quote-unquote deep rapport story. The deepest deep rapport story I ever had. I never told any girl this, and barely any guys. About how I got into this stuff. About how I was a 15 year old kid nerding around on the net, looking for search terms like ‘romance’ and ‘what do women want’ and not finding anything useful. About falling in love with my best friend, who used me to drive her all around town. About trying to romance a girl from my class into loving me. About the terrible hurt-wrenching crushes that I got for girls who I liked, and how I immediately got disgusted by girls who got the same crushes for me. About how I lied to get sex the first time. About how I found out about this community, from a lucky article about Mystery in Marie Claire magazine. And about all the wrong turns I made on my way to where I was then. Looking for my heart.

I couldn’t believe what happened next.
My casual fling, Kitten, who I have been fucking for 6 months, told me lying naked next to me in bed: “Thank you. I understand now.”
I thought she was going to spit on me. That she would be disgusted by who I was and what I’ve done. By my weakness. By not being a man.
She loved me for being strong enough to be genuine and show her my vulnerable side. We got closer and closer from that point on. The dam has been broken and the water was flowing. Honesty was part of our relationship now.

The next girl was Govi, who I haven’t seen for more than a year. Back then, she had already told me she loved me. About a week later she left my room saying “I wish I never met you”. That was the first time I told her I was sleeping with other girls, about 2 months into seeing her. And I told her right after sex… pretty bad timing, eh?

Sitting in a cafe, I told her this story. She started getting closer and closer to me. We ended the night in my bed, and continued to see each other romantically for the next month or so. Her mom calls and she says:
“I’m at Almog’s place. Yes, I did say I hate him. But that was last week!”
God bless women.

The last one was ChinaGirl, my ex-girlfriend. She left my house at a raging storm, when she found another girl’s hair on my bed. I never lied to her, and always told her that it was an open relationship. But at the same time I was acting as if it was just her. By now I know that conveying something is the same as saying it, even more so when it comes to women. Even more so when it comes to me, someone aware enough of all of what I sub-communicate with my behavior. Effectively, I was lying.

When we met in her house, she was very lukewarm. It was 3 months since I saw her last. 3 painful months where I had to facebook stalk the girl I had so much love for to know what was going on with her. She was so cold to me on the phone – all the warmness and love we had were just gone. I preferred not to ever hear her cold voice, which reminded me of how I betrayed her trust.

She was very reluctant to hear this story. She kept changing the subject, getting emotional about it, or simply interrupting me. I had to push through. I had to let her know. At some point I asked her to just listen. I remembered, she was such a good listener before this frostbite behavior set in. She listened.

When I finished telling her this story, and told her how my last months passed thinking about her, she started opening up to me. Telling me how much she missed me. Soon we were cuddled on the bed. Soon we were kissing. I asked her:
“How can this feel so right?”
“Because we are in love”, she said.
We had amazing sex that night. Me and her were in a beautiful, much more honest relationship until lately, when I moved cities and she moved continents.

Closing words
I’m a coach now. I have my company here in Melbourne, and I’ve got a couple of local clients. I’ve been coaching people in the last year. I helped a virgin coachee find a girlfriend. I helped a major player hold onto a strong loving relationship, even when the going got tough. I helped a female coachee with a dark morbid history of abuse and drug-addicted parents to cry in front of her boyfriend in order to show him how much she wants him to quit his drug habits. He’s been clean for a month now…

So just to re-iterate why I think I’m here. I’m in this for love – love which I feel for everyone who comes to me for help, and for those walking, breathing manifestation of beauty and kindness, women. I want to share my ideas, I want to learn from everyone else’s ideas and truly help others. This information was meant to be shared.

Thank you for reading this. I feel a great release in writing it. I thank my luck in finding this path which has made me the man I am today.

To our success in achieving our goals!

Love,
QBall
The original GI Jew

Motivation to improve

January 4, 2008

Quote from an introduction message in my local lair:

I’m fairly new to the community, although I’ve met some of you already. Basically, I read ‘the Game’ like a month ago and now I’ve decided to dedicate my life to being the best pick-up artist I can be. I hope it’s sooner rather than later but I’m planning on giving it a solid year of pick-up. So far I’ve gone out every night for a month and my game is already much better.

Hey bro!

Your efforts and motivation are awesome. I have some questions though – it would be very powerful for your goals if you choose to answer them here. Everything below is from my experience of goal-setting, motivation and general happiness in my life.

The two questions are:
1. What do you want to improve in your life by using this tool of pickup?
2. Why do you want that?

I’ll explain why.

Question 1 – What do you want to improve in your life by using this tool of pickup?
Having the right motivation is amazing and very effective. Having the wrong motivation or goals is destructive. I imagine that even before you read ‘The game’ you probably felt something lacking in your relationships with girls.

Perhaps you were pulling girls you thought you could do better than. Maybe you kept repeatedly get stuck in the friends zone. Maybe you got cheated on. And maybe you were a virgin. Doesn’t really matter which – you knew and felt you needed a change.

Then came ‘The game’ and you realized that there are men out there devoted to improving this aspect of their lives. And that was probably a relief to find that there is an answer to your question. But did you forget your original question in the process?

I have doubt whether your original issue was that you could be a better PUA. I don’t know your background; perhaps you were very good with girls and wanted to become a rock star. If that is the case you are a minority (5% or less, I assume) in the community. Otherwise, consider setting yourself up with less assuming goals. Don’t believe me, read what Michael Jordan says on goal-setting.

A goal of being the best PUA you can be is dangerous for another reason.
You do not want to base too much of your identity on being a PUA. Trust me on this, I’ve done it and have seen others do it. If you base a big part of your identity on something that you can’t share with girls, it may eventually RUIN your game. Imagine a much more innocent example – you spend all your free time on being the best marathon runner you can be. But you can’t tell anyone.

Girls can feel when you’re hiding something from them. They may feel it a month into a relationship or in 20 seconds of conversation if they are very perceptive. But they feel it. And it gives off the ‘creepy’ vibe. Not very attractive. Secret identities are cool for spies and superheroes. In real life, they’re a heavy burden to bare.

Pickup should be a tool, a means, not a goal. Perhaps when you are an established Ladies man, this goal of becoming the best PUA can benefit you. As for now, I suggest you concentrate more on improving your love life in general and sex life in particular. Accept that there are certain things in your life you wanted to fix. Write them down. And work on improving them specifically.

“May the Venusian arts enrich your life; not define it.”
~Mystery

Question 2 – Why do you want that?
This question is actually not important on its own. It’s only important in discerning whether your goals, as you answered on question 1 are good goals. Answer this question for each goal you’ve written down. If your motivation is positive (as in wanting to improve your emotional situation, make yourself happier) you’re golden. If it’s negative (as in wanting to avoid a hurtful emotional situation, make yourself less unhappy) you’re not so golden.

See, motivation that comes from fear, ego, wanting to avoid hurt, revenge etc will rarely lead to good results. Motivation coming from a genuine want to improve your life or the lives of others will work better.
For example this goal:

“I want to have sex with 20 girls this year”
Can have the following very different two reasons:

1. I have to prove to myself that I can do it.
2. I want to enjoy variety and new experiences with new girls.

The first one implies a lack. A necessity. If you achieve this goal, the end result will probably be a feeling of “now what?” rather than fulfillment.
The second will actually allow you to improve the quality of your life and allow you to grow in the direction of the person you want to become.
This is of course a generalization. No motivation is purely positive or negative. But as a general rule I find this to be very true.

I suggest you try to work on the goals that will improve the quality of your life first and foremost. Other goals can wait for later; from my experience negative-motivated goals tend to be way more transient than positive ones do.

All the best in your journey, my friend. I hope you found value in this post. I would also encourage everyone here to post their goals in pickup. And if you don’t have a goal, realize that this is the equivalent of running around like headless chicken. Write them down, for your own good. It’s part of the sporting life :)

My personal answers to these questions:
1. A meaningful relationship with (one or more) beautiful women.
2. I want to experience both incredible passion and emotional intimacy with the same girl.

What’s your answer?

Honesty in open sexual relationships

January 3, 2008

Question on my local lair (some wording adapted):

WE SARGE, WE CLOSE, WE START A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Then the house of cards blows over. (Recently my girl huffed and puffed and walked away.)

I have had multiple Fuckbuddies over the years. A great proportion of these women fall in love with me.

I DON’T KNOW WHY

I am not overly nice. I see them only in booty call hours.

I KNOW THE THEORY

Outline the rules early. Tell them ‘this will be purely sexual.’ But actually calibrating and getting girls into that reality is different.

SO HOW IS IT DONE?

My answer:

Hey man,

Actions speak louder than words. And as you’ve said, you’re nice. This may not sound like a lot to you, but perhaps compared with other one-dimensional Aussie ‘blokes’ your emotional intelligence and kindness comes through…

Personally, I don’t really believe in purely sexual relationships. Is that really all you want – just a girl to come over, fuck you and go home? I can’t really help you with that – and I don’t think that any normal girl would stay around for too long – it just doesn’t fulfill them emotionally. Personally, I get bored of fucking a stranger after a while, no matter how hot she is… So I always involve at least a bit of emotion there, it makes everything oh-so-much better.

Your relationship reality grounding story
Keeping that in mind, I have been only in open relationships my entire life. The way that’s done best, in my experience, is to be completely natural about it – Zanify yourself. This is an entire mindset, but for starters, be completely open and honest.
How? Tell her a grounding story, a deep rapport story spanning throughout your entire love life – from the first girl you kissed, through your most meaningful relationships, and to where you are now. Don’t avoid pain, embarrassment, or stuff you think may make you look weak. Those are exactly the points you should embrace. She’s attracted to you by now, so this will only make her feel better – like there’s an actual person behind your strong relationship “rules and regulations”.

Concise excerpt from my story:
“I was a secret admirer for the first girl who I courted at 15, putting presents in her mailbox everyday. I even hired a PO Box at the post office so she could mail back without revealing my identity. She never did…
At 17 I was in love with my best friend, and never told her.. Another girl was in love with me, and we were getting it on, but I never liked her so much. And so a pattern started where I would always get the girls who I didn’t like, and got needy for the ones I did so I’d lose them.”

My story is specially intense, as I tell how frustrated I was with my situation with women, my PUA history and how I worked as a pickup instructor for a big company. I finished off by saying how I’ve realized I’ve just been chasing my own tail, and I’m looking for my heart now. And how I care to make every relationship with a girl deeper. This entire story is true, and comes from my heart – this is of utmost importance.

The responses to this have been amazing. A long time FB who was starting to be flaky because falling for me said “Thank you. I understand now” – and our relationship has grown much deeper, with less flakiness since. Another 2 girls who I was broken up with – over this exact issue – have gone back to me upon hearing this truly honest story, alongside with a general attitude of openness. It gives them the one thing they don’t get in an open relationship – certainty. They know who I am, what my limits are, what my relationship boundaries are – and they see I actually live up to those. At the same time, I’m willing to accept them for who they are. If we’re both honest about what we want and can give each other that – which is mostly the case – than a relationship is in course.

By the way, the conclusion to my story is that I’m currently “looking for my heart” (more vague than “looking for love”) and will not settle for anything less for a commitment. Another way is to say you won’t do it unless it “feels right”. Don’t explain yourself logically. It’s not a logical issue – it’s an emotional one. And girls know it. Being subjective here is key, talk about your true emotions, nothing she can argue with.

Even if I’ve exchanged “I love you” with, I just said I will not commit if I don’t feel like doing it – which is true. It’s about my freedom, and I will only give it up if I’m deeply inclined to do so. Trying to push me in that direction will only do the opposite.

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