Stop Giving Your Power Away

OK, so you fixed your body language and now it’s tight. You have no ticks and you kino quite well.

Most likely, the place where you now lose the most attraction, if you come from a background of ‘nice guy’ is verbally.

Basically the thought process is:
They said something -> they’ve presented their standards -> I’ll show them I can live up to this standard

The actual problem is in the interpretation of something that someone said as a ’standard’ and willing to deviate and represent yourself and malleable and false ways. It comes from not knowing who you are, or alternatively not having strong opinions and sticking to them.

Examples:
Trying to get rapport too early, and over nothing.

Basically answering a short anecdote of hers with a longer one of yours, showing you really want to impress. E.g:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Oh really? A friend of mine went to Egypt with his family when he was 15. He told me he went to all the pyramids bla bla bla bla” (for 30 seconds)

Ironically, this makes a girl feel like you’re not listening, despite your best intentions… You look like you wanna hog attention.

A better way:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Cool” (that’s enough to appreciate her statement). “Do you ride Camels there?” (show more interest and let her talk)

Basically, avoid talking too much if she hasn’t. You come off as a douche, and you lose your power.

Answering the “Why” question

This has got to be the biggest one. I see guys doing this so much and it’s just ridiculous. For some reason, when people ask them a question, or sometimes just make an inane comment, they would reply with explaining the reasons to a certain behavior that they’ve done… Talking to people who’s automatic reply is this sort of defensiveness is quite exhausting and makes you feel like they have low self esteem (which they do).

Example:
Girl: “It’s so annoying when guys keep looking into my cleavage”

-> However mind filter for nice guy hears “WHY did you stare into my cleavage?” and so the answer

Guy: “I wasn’t staring at your cleavage”

Arghhhhhhh, exhausting.
Even if some people try to consciously get a reaction out of you that way, don’t react to something like that. I never explain my behavior unless directly asked.
And when directly asked my answer is, more often than not, along the lines of “because that’s what I did / that’s what I want to do”. I may make it more fun, but I hold my right to my behaviors as I know they have good intent.

Example:
Girl: “Why were you holding my hand before?”
Me: “Because I wanted to hold your hand”

Being TOO polite
Notice the following verbal leakage of power:

Ex.1: Can you pass the salt?
Ex.2: Excuse me, sorry. Can you please please pass the salt? Thank thanks. Sorry for asking again.

Basically every time you use the three magic words – please, thank you, sorry – you are giving some power to the person you’re talking to. That’s fine and it’s part of social grace. But please (ha, see what I did there) only use it once. Apologizing more than once, for example is very often more annoying than anything else.

I’ve found that I actually use different words now. Something more along the lines of:
“I have to warn you, I’m quite a messy eater”

much more powerful than

“Let me apologize in advance for being such a messy eater”

Being inconclusive
High usage of the words “like”, “might”, “maybe”, “try”, “sort of”, “kind of”, “I think”, “in my opinion” etc etc.
There is rarely a need to qualify statements with those sort of words. Every time you use them, it’s almost like you’re saying “Oooh, this is a bit edgy, I don’t know how it fits with their world view”.
It’s different if you KNOW they think the opposite. Then you’re being graceful.

Many other times, this is just quite weak. Be a man, make a decision, explain it and go for it. The same for every opinion you hold.

How to fix this

Beliefs create and support habits, and vice versa. Behaviors like this support various beliefs about being not-as-good as other people.

You can attack the issue at various points – the level of self-talk / programming (complete inner game), changing your state (somewhere in between) or your actions (complete outer game). The results will most probably be the same, and the best route of action is a combination of them.

A good couple of affirmations for inner game are attached below. When you pose a negative affirmation to contradict a behavior you have you start noticing it more and more. In the moment, you become aware of how negative it is and how you’re acting from a place of low self esteem. That really helps to weed out that behavior pattern.

- I no longer need to explain myself, to anyone.
- I never attempt to meet anyone standards.
- I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me (cred: RSD Tim)

After those have become a bit easier and that behavior starts disappearing, you can affirm the opposite:

- People / girls explain their behavior to me all the time.
- People /girls always try to meet my standards.
- Everyone needs my approval

Cheers,
Q

Thoughts on Opening – by Manic

Subconscious Communication

Probably the most common question in pickup is “How do I talk to (open) a girl?” In my opinion, the answer would be however you want. However you feel the most comfortable walking up to a girl and starting a conversation is is the best way for you to open. In my experience, in the first moments of an interaction, a girl will respond more to your vibe and your level of comfort than what you’re saying anyway. It will be on, or it won’t. Thus, saying something that isn’t congruent with yourself, no matter how many people have sworn by it, will not only rarely work, but pretty much be pointless. It will be see through, it will make you feel odd which in turn will make the girl feed odd. A girl, and people in general, will know exactly who you are and what you’re all about within seconds of noticing you. I call this subconscious communication. This has been mentioned already in the community with terms such as ‘Subcommunications’. Consciously, when we feel someone’s vibe our subconscious mind is picking up the ton of subtle information that clues us in on who that person really is. This information cannot be faked, and it’s rarely incorrect. And I believe it’s this information that governs an interaction. It’s because of this that naturals can say anything, or nothing, and attract girls. On this level of communication they’re screaming “I’m attractive to women”. It’s also because of this that when you’re in an awesome state of mind, you can pull off saying ridiculous things, but in a shit mood, even your best lines don’t work. You’re subconsciously communicating that you feel great or shit, and this outshines whatever you’re saying. Have you ever thought a girl was visually attractive then lost some degree of attraction when she spoke? It’s the same reason. Subconsciously you picked up something about her in her voice that perhaps wasn’t congruent with what you’re attracted to. Or have you ever noticed someone across a room and immediately though “Cool!” or “Loser!” without having even met them? Voila. Subconsciously, you’ve read them, but of course all your simple conscious mind thinks is “I like/dislike that person”.

There Should Be No Tricks

Given the above, I’m a believer that there should be no tricks or rules to talking to girls. There will be attraction (or at least interest) or there won’t be, it’s that simple. Go talk to the girl, it will work or it won’t. Now I’m not saying that what you say has nothing to do with it. Obviously, it does. If you can get a girl laughing at what you’re saying for instance, that is ace! But it’s your subconscious communication that matters the most and again, you have no say in what you’re communicating on this level. All you can do is look your best (looks DO count, a girl will always be more receptive to someone visually attractive) and gradually get more and more comfortable with talking to girls. When you feel more comfortable with all of it, you will start seeing better responses. Oh and this doesn’t mean faking super confidence because a) it will be see through and b) most girls will find a certain degree of nervousness charming. It shows sincerity.

Which Method To Take – Some Considerations

If you feel comfortable asking for an opinion, go for it. If you want to lie and say you’re not from around here, or ask for the time (great if you’re wearing a watch), go for it (no I don’t encourage lying, but if you’re using this to get over your opening speed bump, or to get into a chatty state which I sometimes do, what harm can come of it. You can always turn around later and confess that you just wanted to talk to her). Or if you don’t want bullshit and simply want to admit upfront that you think a girl is cute and wanted to meet her (my favourite), go for it. I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to open. I know people who use routines very effectively, and yet I feel like a knob when I do. Does this mean routines are shit? No, or they wouldn’t work for that person. They just don’t work well for me. I know people who are massively direct (i.e. “I’d love to fuck you” as an opener) and can actually make it work, whereas again I’d feel like a knob. Another awesome approach, but only if it suits your personality. Don’t try and do shit that you don’t feel congruent with you because it will be see through and you too will look like a knob.

The Natural Approach

Personally I’m all for the natural, direct approach simply because I feel the most comfortable doing so. If there is something I can use about the situation or environment I will, because again, simply, she will respond well or she won’t. If she is open to conversation, anything will work. If not, not much would. Talking, I believe, is just the human mating dance. When animals dance and carry on, they know it’s about sex, but they still go through it. It’s required. Likewise, us humans make small talk but underneath, both parties know what’s really going on. As an experiment you can stop girls on the street and ask them the time, paying attention to how they respond. By being more aware of their vibe, you will see who would be open to more conversation and who would not. If you don’t get a warm vibe, often there is nothing you can do. Go talk to someone else.

The Direct Approach

Alternatively if there is nothing ‘normal’ to start a conversation with, and logistically I can’t just say “Hi”, I will go direct. “You’re way to sexy to not talk to”, “I had to come and meet you”, and “You’re cute, who’re you?” (the first words I spoke to my now girlfriend) are all examples of this. This is exactly what’s on my mind at the time so I don’t really have to think of anything to say. Said in a drunken or cheesy manner, lines like this will rarely work. You’ll be just another one of those “Hey you’re hot!” guys, to which she’ll respond “Thank you Captain Creative!” I try to say it with complete sincerity. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But in this case, you have been honest, direct and ballsy which for me feels right.

I like the direct approach because for me it minimises initial weirdness. Have you ever had someone stop you on the street and start talking to you while you stood there wondering what they wanted from you? You knew it was most likely spare change, or a cigarette, or to save the whales or something, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it and it made you feel uneasy. I wonder if approaching a girl and hiding why you’re talking to her makes her feel the same way. So I like this approach to opening not because it is the most successful (I don’t really think it is. There is a high chance of blow out, but if it’s on, it’s really on) but because it feels best for me.

Observations On Learning

I’ve noticed that a lot of people try to run before walking when it comes to opening. They don’t want to say stuff that seems too easy, or trivial, and yet they don’t feel comfortable with “proper” openers. And they don’t feel comfortable talking to hot girls but refuse to talk to average looking ones. So they do nothing. Is walking around asking 10 girls for a better venue better than trying vainly all night to get the words “Hi you’re cute, I had to meet you” out of your mouth? Fuckin ay! And is talking to random average looking chicks better than standing staring at the few hotties, wishing you could talk to them? Fuckin ay! Both will at least get you talking and may help you get into a more social frame of mind. In a good state, even stupid things will often work. In a great state I’ve successfully opened sets with rubbish such as “Hey do you know where your g-spot is?, “My friend’s taking a shit, can I talk to you?” and “Hey what’s a good opener?” I was with a guy once who leaned into a group to tell them he farted. Because he was comfortable doing it, they laughed.

An Off Night – Keep It In Perspective

So on the opposite end of the spectrum is when you’re just not into it. I’ve found myself many times completely inside my head and paranoid, wandering around a bar pretending to not know my way around Melbourne, asking people for better clubs, simply to get out of my head. At the end of the day, talking to strangers in NOT normal, and sometimes you definitely feel that, especially if you’re like me and don’t particularly like partying and night life. The most annoying thing in pick up is that one night you will go out and be the awesome guy that everyone wants to know, and the very next night you will be the loser in the corner than no one even notices. One day the random in the supermarket is quiet potentially your new fuck buddy, the next you wish she’d just get her mushrooms and get the fuck out of your way. It sucks, but expect it! You’re only human and your moods will vary massively. And you will never get 100% strike rate. You will speak to many girls and most will not be interested in fucking you. ‘Get any Girl you Want’ is marketed massively in the pick up community, but I don’t buy it for a second, and I have yet to meet anyone to prove it’s validity. I know the best PUAs in the Melbourne community and I’ve seen pretty much all of them get shut down. Does it mean they aren’t awesome guys? No. Does it mean they have no game? No. It’s just what it is – a girl not interested in talking then and there. That same girl hours later might be different. I was once shut down by one girl three times, then as I was walking out, she came after me and asked if she could add me on Facebook. Most of this will never make sense. And social calibration can prevent you ‘Getting Any Girl You Want’. If I spotted a stunning girl sitting tight with friends, laughing and enjoying their company, my sense of social courtesy would prevent me interrupting them to talk to her. I would wait for an invitation through eye contact, a better moment or just find another girl to talk to. There are plenty of girls out there, and if you only speak to one today/tonight, you’ve already done more than 99% of guys out there. And if she doesn’t open, meh, she’s not rejecting you, she doesn’t even know the real you. From what I’ve seen, the guys who get good at this quickly are they guys who talk to a ton of women and who deal with rejection with a “Meh, next!” attitude. I’ve been shut down by literally thousands of women. I’ve been punched, spat on, and sworn at. I’ve worn drinks, been humiliated and laughed at. You name it, I’ve copped it. I have crash and burn stories to match any pick up story. But as a result of all that, I’ve also met countless great women, had a lot of great sex, learnt heaps about human behaviour and recently settled with an amazing girlfriend.

So To Conclude …

A girl knows what you’re after when you talk to her, she’s not stupid. If she’s at all attractive, she’s been well socialised and she knows that any guy who speaks to her is probably interested in her. So you can either decide to take on the ‘Fuck it, she knows what I’m all about so I’m not hiding it’ attitude or the ‘Small talk is part of the human mating dance’ attitude. Both have valid arguments and I guess I incorporate both. Either way, your subconscious communication and how you feel at the time will mostly govern the interaction. Just look your best, try to get into a good mood and do whatever you feel like. See what happens, and repeat.

Asking how to open properly is like asking how to meditate properly. It’s all subjective and there is no right answer. All you can do is stop reading, stop thinking, get some good friends (this will help your state immeasurably) and try repeatedly. To some degree this IS a numbers game. I suggest you forget all the methods and figure out your own.

You’re frozen when your heart is not open

Hey guys. This is quite a long, and very personal, peek into my life. All the names have been changed to maintain people’s privacy. A lot of lessons have been learnt and I want to share them with you. Here goes.

Who is this man?

XXX is a big American seduction teaching company. I was supposed to be XXX’s main guy in Australia. This is where the story starts.

It started with a little bickering with Benny, another Sydney coach, over the phone – we couldn’t agree on who would lead that weekend’s workshop, as we both wanted to do it and thought we were the best man for the job. I wrote to Supervisor presenting the issue, and let him make his decision. I was expecting him to have me lead that workshop, since XXX was interested in having me represent them here.

I was really surprised by the reply I got the next day. I remember my heart going into my pants when I read in his e-mail that the other instructors had some ‘unpleasant things’ to say about me. [Read more]

Motivation to improve

Quote from an introduction message in my local lair:

I’m fairly new to the community, although I’ve met some of you already. Basically, I read ‘the Game’ like a month ago and now I’ve decided to dedicate my life to being the best pick-up artist I can be. I hope it’s sooner rather than later but I’m planning on giving it a solid year of pick-up. So far I’ve gone out every night for a month and my game is already much better.

Hey bro!

Your efforts and motivation are awesome. I have some questions though – it would be very powerful for your goals if you choose to answer them here. Everything below is from my experience of goal-setting, motivation and general happiness in my life.

The two questions are:
1. What do you want to improve in your life by using this tool of pickup?
2. Why do you want that?

[Read more]

Honesty in open sexual relationships

Question on my local lair (some wording adapted):

WE SARGE, WE CLOSE, WE START A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Then the house of cards blows over. (Recently my girl huffed and puffed and walked away.)

I have had multiple Fuckbuddies over the years. A great proportion of these women fall in love with me.

I DON’T KNOW WHY

I am not overly nice. I see them only in booty call hours.

I KNOW THE THEORY

Outline the rules early. Tell them ‘this will be purely sexual.’ But actually calibrating and getting girls into that reality is different.

SO HOW IS IT DONE?

My answer:

Hey man,

Actions speak louder than words. [Read more]

My opinions about PU – interview for MX magazine

This is an interview I did for MX magazine in June 07. It hasn’t been published for some reason, but it explains a lot of my opinions and ideas about pickup.

How did you become a pick-up artist?

The three states – Emotional, Logical and Equi-State

There has been some talk of states in the forum. I’ve got a few insights on it lately, and I’d like to share them with you. Relevance to pick up:

- You have to evoke emotional state in a girl in order to be able to seduce
- You need to be “in state” when you’re in the field. Do you know what that state is?

Let’s start.

Basically, people live most of their lives in between two states:

- Logical state
- Emotional state

Every one of us in the human race spends part of their time in both states, interchangeably.

STATES AND GENDERS
In my opinion, the cause for most misunderstandings between females and males stems from a very simple difference.
Girls (as a general, statistic rule) spend a lot more of their time in emotional state. Hence, they are referred to as “emotional creatures” a lot of the time, they are considered to have higher tendencies to panic etc.
Guys (same generalization) spend a lot more of their time in logical state. A lot of guys have ZERO emotional intelligence. They do not understand their emotions, they would never even admit to having been emotional. Their tendency to backwards rationalize is huge, and they don’t accept (unlike girls) that sometimes they are not LOGICALLY in control of themselves. [Read more]

Rapport levels and rapport seeking

I mentioned in a report that a girl was showing me rapport seeking behaviour. Jazzy replied with two questions:

- What is rapport seeking behavior? AND

- Whether asking many questions can be interpreted as seeking rapport?

Great questions, Jazzy!

Everyone knows, consciously or subconsciously, that if you want to connect with someone, you have to find something that you can both relate to: commonalities. That’s why people ask each other what music they like, what shows they watch, what their favorite holiday destinations are and so on.

First to explain what rapport seeking is, I have to explain the levels of rapport. See, if rapport is talking about personal matters – some issues are more personal than others. For example, a random person asking you straight off the bat in the street what age you lost your virginity would be completely rude – right? If I answer him I immediately lower my value – as he gave me nothing personal about himself. I can talk much more about levels of rapport, but you can sum it up with these 3 levels (having many shades of gray in them and between them): [Read more]

Relationship management: using sex to prevent drama

I believe there isn’t enough resources on the importance of sex in the relationship. A lot of girls say they need “good sex” in order for a relationship to work – but many times they don’t know how to explain what it is that they need! I find that good sex helps make sure relationships are low on maintenance and on drama, and high on fun.

1. Background
Girls have two mating strategies – one for the long term and one for the short term.

Long term mating strategy A girl needs to find a provider; someone who will take care of her –which means supply safety and food for her and her children. These are classic beta characteristics, and in pickup relate very much to long game (the 7 hours rules, Mystery method) which implies a lot of emotional comfort before sex. A beta male’s winning strategy is to show the girl that he has the characteristics of a provider and that is why she should be with him in the long term. This will allow her to maintain good social status for her and her kids – a steady one even if not an optimal one. Good long game makes girls sexually accepting to the male’s advances.
Short term mating strategy a girl needs a lover. Someone make sure that the genes her children have are a good combination of hers and another male with superior genes – an alpha male. In pickup this is related to short game usually (fast escalation, first night closes, Oracle method) which implies a lot of attraction before sex. The alpha has to show a girl that he has good genes (value) as well as that her social status will not be hurt by having sex with him – she won’t feel like a slut and society won’t judge her as one. Good short game makes girl sexually aggressive towards the male and in a pursuit after his genes (or sex with him).

Believe it or not, but for a girl to be emotionally balanced, she needs to have both. If a girl has a long term partner who is beta, she will still be in need of a good alpha male’s genes and would still be open to advances. If you have a classic FB relationship with a girl and give her close to zero of emotional comfort, she will seek that with other men. These two – lover and provider can be found in the same person, but are generally mutually exclusive. So, all and all, in order to have a healthy fun relationship you want to be both! [Read more]

The effect of good long term relationships

There’s a bit of relationship hating in the community. Everyone wants a fuckbuddy, or a harem. Loving relationships are rarely discussed, either open or closed.
I found that the thing that most profoundly changed me was an amazing relationship that I was in. It made me more sexual, more confident, more manly and better at pickup. I’ll explain:

Sexual experience
- getting comfortable with sexual tension (i used to hate it in PU). This time everytime I see my GF walk through the door I get a hard on. But I don’t drag her to my room and fuck her! There is a slight process of:
- constant re-seduction – making the other person horny and wanting sex almost turns into a game. An old FB of mine used to come over and hang, and when she got bored, rode me until I was ready to fuck the shit out of her. With guys doing it to girls it’s more subtle, but again very PU related.
- Getting better in bed
- Sexual presence – happens when you realize girls really like sex and hence it is OK to show your sex loving side all the time.
- Eliminate sexual neediness- relevant to open/FB relationships only, but still very powerful.

Emotional intimacy
- Understanding a woman’s world
- Being able to connect with her
- Liking her despite of her weaknesses or even because she had the courage to expose them.
- Treating a girl like a puzzle you want to solve.
- Treating a girl like a project, someone who you want to help achieve their goals.

All of these translate to a warming up of your personality. Some can be achieved by very close friendship relationships, but that wouldn’t (of course) include the sex part.

Understanding women
There is no man who attracts 9s and 10s but who all other girls find unattractive. Women are women, period. And being in a close relationship with a women makes you understand their psyche so much better. You’ll see them when they’re up and when they’re down. You’ll slowly see the shell of coolness they let everyone be fooled by, drop to show insecurities you never thought would be there. And you learn how to heal them and make them feel better.
Yes, you’ll receive your share of drama in relationships. And as with every relationship you’d have to compromise. And learn.

Validation – constantly reminded that there is a girl attracted to you. Hence, you are attractive to girls.

Ability to try PU ideas on your girl – like a safe environment, she will not dump you for negging her too hard! Everything from dirty texts to frames can be practiced.

Fashion ideas – most likely the girl will start grooming you so you would look more presentable, and mention when you’re not (as your image reflects on hers). This is constructive criticism.

Get a steady girl, I say. Get close to her physically and emotionally and improve your attract and rapport abilities. This will be a beautiful experience of getting closer to another person, as well as a very rewarding one.

QBall