Most likely, the place where you now lose the most attraction, if you come from a background of ‘nice guy’ is verbally.

Basically the thought process is:
They said something -> they’ve presented their standards -> I’ll show them I can live up to this standard

The actual problem is in the interpretation of something that someone said as a ’standard’ and willing to deviate and represent yourself and malleable and false ways. It comes from not knowing who you are, or alternatively not having strong opinions and sticking to them.

Examples:
Trying to get rapport too early, and over nothing.

Basically answering a short anecdote of hers with a longer one of yours, showing you really want to impress. E.g:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Oh really? A friend of mine went to Egypt with his family when he was 15. He told me he went to all the pyramids bla bla bla bla” (for 30 seconds)

Ironically, this makes a girl feel like you’re not listening, despite your best intentions… You look like you wanna hog attention.

A better way:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Cool” (that’s enough to appreciate her statement). “Do you ride Camels there?” (show more interest and let her talk)

Basically, avoid talking too much if she hasn’t. You come off as a douche, and you lose your power.

Answering the “Why” question

This has got to be the biggest one. I see guys doing this so much and it’s just ridiculous. For some reason, when people ask them a question, or sometimes just make an inane comment, they would reply with explaining the reasons to a certain behavior that they’ve done… Talking to people who’s automatic reply is this sort of defensiveness is quite exhausting and makes you feel like they have low self esteem (which they do).

Example:
Girl: “It’s so annoying when guys keep looking into my cleavage”

-> However mind filter for nice guy hears “WHY did you stare into my cleavage?” and so the answer

Guy: “I wasn’t staring at your cleavage”

Arghhhhhhh, exhausting.
Even if some people try to consciously get a reaction out of you that way, don’t react to something like that. I never explain my behavior unless directly asked.
And when directly asked my answer is, more often than not, along the lines of “because that’s what I did / that’s what I want to do”. I may make it more fun, but I hold my right to my behaviors as I know they have good intent.

Example:
Girl: “Why were you holding my hand before?”
Me: “Because I wanted to hold your hand”

Being TOO polite
Notice the following verbal leakage of power:

Ex.1: Can you pass the salt?
Ex.2: Excuse me, sorry. Can you please please pass the salt? Thank thanks. Sorry for asking again.

Basically every time you use the three magic words – please, thank you, sorry – you are giving some power to the person you’re talking to. That’s fine and it’s part of social grace. But please (ha, see what I did there) only use it once. Apologizing more than once, for example is very often more annoying than anything else.

I’ve found that I actually use different words now. Something more along the lines of:
“I have to warn you, I’m quite a messy eater”

much more powerful than

“Let me apologize in advance for being such a messy eater”

Being inconclusive
High usage of the words “like”, “might”, “maybe”, “try”, “sort of”, “kind of”, “I think”, “in my opinion” etc etc.
There is rarely a need to qualify statements with those sort of words. Every time you use them, it’s almost like you’re saying “Oooh, this is a bit edgy, I don’t know how it fits with their world view”.
It’s different if you KNOW they think the opposite. Then you’re being graceful.

Many other times, this is just quite weak. Be a man, make a decision, explain it and go for it. The same for every opinion you hold.

How to fix this

Beliefs create and support habits, and vice versa. Behaviors like this support various beliefs about being not-as-good as other people.

You can attack the issue at various points – the level of self-talk / programming (complete inner game), changing your state (somewhere in between) or your actions (complete outer game). The results will most probably be the same, and the best route of action is a combination of them.

A good couple of affirmations for inner game are attached below. When you pose a negative affirmation to contradict a behavior you have you start noticing it more and more. In the moment, you become aware of how negative it is and how you’re acting from a place of low self esteem. That really helps to weed out that behavior pattern.

- I no longer need to explain myself, to anyone.
- I never attempt to meet anyone standards.
- I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me (cred: RSD Tim)

After those have become a bit easier and that behavior starts disappearing, you can affirm the opposite:

- People / girls explain their behavior to me all the time.
- People /girls always try to meet my standards.
- Everyone needs my approval

Cheers,
Q

Probably the most common question in pickup is “How do I talk to (open) a girl?” In my opinion, the answer would be however you want. However you feel the most comfortable walking up to a girl and starting a conversation is is the best way for you to open. In my experience, in the first moments of an interaction, a girl will respond more to your vibe and your level of comfort than what you’re saying anyway. It will be on, or it won’t. Thus, saying something that isn’t congruent with yourself, no matter how many people have sworn by it, will not only rarely work, but pretty much be pointless. It will be see through, it will make you feel odd which in turn will make the girl feed odd. A girl, and people in general, will know exactly who you are and what you’re all about within seconds of noticing you. I call this subconscious communication. This has been mentioned already in the community with terms such as ‘Subcommunications’. Consciously, when we feel someone’s vibe our subconscious mind is picking up the ton of subtle information that clues us in on who that person really is. This information cannot be faked, and it’s rarely incorrect. And I believe it’s this information that governs an interaction. It’s because of this that naturals can say anything, or nothing, and attract girls. On this level of communication they’re screaming “I’m attractive to women”. It’s also because of this that when you’re in an awesome state of mind, you can pull off saying ridiculous things, but in a shit mood, even your best lines don’t work. You’re subconsciously communicating that you feel great or shit, and this outshines whatever you’re saying. Have you ever thought a girl was visually attractive then lost some degree of attraction when she spoke? It’s the same reason. Subconsciously you picked up something about her in her voice that perhaps wasn’t congruent with what you’re attracted to. Or have you ever noticed someone across a room and immediately though “Cool!” or “Loser!” without having even met them? Voila. Subconsciously, you’ve read them, but of course all your simple conscious mind thinks is “I like/dislike that person”.

There Should Be No Tricks

Given the above, I’m a believer that there should be no tricks or rules to talking to girls. There will be attraction (or at least interest) or there won’t be, it’s that simple. Go talk to the girl, it will work or it won’t. Now I’m not saying that what you say has nothing to do with it. Obviously, it does. If you can get a girl laughing at what you’re saying for instance, that is ace! But it’s your subconscious communication that matters the most and again, you have no say in what you’re communicating on this level. All you can do is look your best (looks DO count, a girl will always be more receptive to someone visually attractive) and gradually get more and more comfortable with talking to girls. When you feel more comfortable with all of it, you will start seeing better responses. Oh and this doesn’t mean faking super confidence because a) it will be see through and b) most girls will find a certain degree of nervousness charming. It shows sincerity.

Which Method To Take – Some Considerations

If you feel comfortable asking for an opinion, go for it. If you want to lie and say you’re not from around here, or ask for the time (great if you’re wearing a watch), go for it (no I don’t encourage lying, but if you’re using this to get over your opening speed bump, or to get into a chatty state which I sometimes do, what harm can come of it. You can always turn around later and confess that you just wanted to talk to her). Or if you don’t want bullshit and simply want to admit upfront that you think a girl is cute and wanted to meet her (my favourite), go for it. I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to open. I know people who use routines very effectively, and yet I feel like a knob when I do. Does this mean routines are shit? No, or they wouldn’t work for that person. They just don’t work well for me. I know people who are massively direct (i.e. “I’d love to fuck you” as an opener) and can actually make it work, whereas again I’d feel like a knob. Another awesome approach, but only if it suits your personality. Don’t try and do shit that you don’t feel congruent with you because it will be see through and you too will look like a knob.

The Natural Approach

Personally I’m all for the natural, direct approach simply because I feel the most comfortable doing so. If there is something I can use about the situation or environment I will, because again, simply, she will respond well or she won’t. If she is open to conversation, anything will work. If not, not much would. Talking, I believe, is just the human mating dance. When animals dance and carry on, they know it’s about sex, but they still go through it. It’s required. Likewise, us humans make small talk but underneath, both parties know what’s really going on. As an experiment you can stop girls on the street and ask them the time, paying attention to how they respond. By being more aware of their vibe, you will see who would be open to more conversation and who would not. If you don’t get a warm vibe, often there is nothing you can do. Go talk to someone else.

The Direct Approach

Alternatively if there is nothing ‘normal’ to start a conversation with, and logistically I can’t just say “Hi”, I will go direct. “You’re way to sexy to not talk to”, “I had to come and meet you”, and “You’re cute, who’re you?” (the first words I spoke to my now girlfriend) are all examples of this. This is exactly what’s on my mind at the time so I don’t really have to think of anything to say. Said in a drunken or cheesy manner, lines like this will rarely work. You’ll be just another one of those “Hey you’re hot!” guys, to which she’ll respond “Thank you Captain Creative!” I try to say it with complete sincerity. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But in this case, you have been honest, direct and ballsy which for me feels right.

I like the direct approach because for me it minimises initial weirdness. Have you ever had someone stop you on the street and start talking to you while you stood there wondering what they wanted from you? You knew it was most likely spare change, or a cigarette, or to save the whales or something, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it and it made you feel uneasy. I wonder if approaching a girl and hiding why you’re talking to her makes her feel the same way. So I like this approach to opening not because it is the most successful (I don’t really think it is. There is a high chance of blow out, but if it’s on, it’s really on) but because it feels best for me.

Observations On Learning

I’ve noticed that a lot of people try to run before walking when it comes to opening. They don’t want to say stuff that seems too easy, or trivial, and yet they don’t feel comfortable with “proper” openers. And they don’t feel comfortable talking to hot girls but refuse to talk to average looking ones. So they do nothing. Is walking around asking 10 girls for a better venue better than trying vainly all night to get the words “Hi you’re cute, I had to meet you” out of your mouth? Fuckin ay! And is talking to random average looking chicks better than standing staring at the few hotties, wishing you could talk to them? Fuckin ay! Both will at least get you talking and may help you get into a more social frame of mind. In a good state, even stupid things will often work. In a great state I’ve successfully opened sets with rubbish such as “Hey do you know where your g-spot is?, “My friend’s taking a shit, can I talk to you?” and “Hey what’s a good opener?” I was with a guy once who leaned into a group to tell them he farted. Because he was comfortable doing it, they laughed.

An Off Night – Keep It In Perspective

So on the opposite end of the spectrum is when you’re just not into it. I’ve found myself many times completely inside my head and paranoid, wandering around a bar pretending to not know my way around Melbourne, asking people for better clubs, simply to get out of my head. At the end of the day, talking to strangers in NOT normal, and sometimes you definitely feel that, especially if you’re like me and don’t particularly like partying and night life. The most annoying thing in pick up is that one night you will go out and be the awesome guy that everyone wants to know, and the very next night you will be the loser in the corner than no one even notices. One day the random in the supermarket is quiet potentially your new fuck buddy, the next you wish she’d just get her mushrooms and get the fuck out of your way. It sucks, but expect it! You’re only human and your moods will vary massively. And you will never get 100% strike rate. You will speak to many girls and most will not be interested in fucking you. ‘Get any Girl you Want’ is marketed massively in the pick up community, but I don’t buy it for a second, and I have yet to meet anyone to prove it’s validity. I know the best PUAs in the Melbourne community and I’ve seen pretty much all of them get shut down. Does it mean they aren’t awesome guys? No. Does it mean they have no game? No. It’s just what it is – a girl not interested in talking then and there. That same girl hours later might be different. I was once shut down by one girl three times, then as I was walking out, she came after me and asked if she could add me on Facebook. Most of this will never make sense. And social calibration can prevent you ‘Getting Any Girl You Want’. If I spotted a stunning girl sitting tight with friends, laughing and enjoying their company, my sense of social courtesy would prevent me interrupting them to talk to her. I would wait for an invitation through eye contact, a better moment or just find another girl to talk to. There are plenty of girls out there, and if you only speak to one today/tonight, you’ve already done more than 99% of guys out there. And if she doesn’t open, meh, she’s not rejecting you, she doesn’t even know the real you. From what I’ve seen, the guys who get good at this quickly are they guys who talk to a ton of women and who deal with rejection with a “Meh, next!” attitude. I’ve been shut down by literally thousands of women. I’ve been punched, spat on, and sworn at. I’ve worn drinks, been humiliated and laughed at. You name it, I’ve copped it. I have crash and burn stories to match any pick up story. But as a result of all that, I’ve also met countless great women, had a lot of great sex, learnt heaps about human behaviour and recently settled with an amazing girlfriend.

So To Conclude …

A girl knows what you’re after when you talk to her, she’s not stupid. If she’s at all attractive, she’s been well socialised and she knows that any guy who speaks to her is probably interested in her. So you can either decide to take on the ‘Fuck it, she knows what I’m all about so I’m not hiding it’ attitude or the ‘Small talk is part of the human mating dance’ attitude. Both have valid arguments and I guess I incorporate both. Either way, your subconscious communication and how you feel at the time will mostly govern the interaction. Just look your best, try to get into a good mood and do whatever you feel like. See what happens, and repeat.

Asking how to open properly is like asking how to meditate properly. It’s all subjective and there is no right answer. All you can do is stop reading, stop thinking, get some good friends (this will help your state immeasurably) and try repeatedly. To some degree this IS a numbers game. I suggest you forget all the methods and figure out your own.

Who is this man?

XXX is a big American seduction teaching company. I was supposed to be XXX’s main guy in Australia. This is where the story starts.

It started with a little bickering with Benny, another Sydney coach, over the phone – we couldn’t agree on who would lead that weekend’s workshop, as we both wanted to do it and thought we were the best man for the job. I wrote to Supervisor presenting the issue, and let him make his decision. I was expecting him to have me lead that workshop, since XXX was interested in having me represent them here.

I was really surprised by the reply I got the next day. I remember my heart going into my pants when I read in his e-mail that the other instructors had some ‘unpleasant things’ to say about me. He referred me to the instructors forum to read a certain post. I had been asking for access to the instructors forum for a couple of months back then, and kept getting so-called technical reasons for not being able to access it. But that day, I did.

What I read there was just terrible. I didn’t know who was the man they were talking about. Basically speaking, they didn’t like the angle that I did on the workshop.

In all fairness, I have changed drastically from the given curriculum. But there were no paying students (a major administrative fuck up), and the only student we had was one that took the workshop before. I wanted to experiment with teaching my ideas – and I did it with the other instructors approval, as I asked them for their opinion in advance – presenting roughly all the ideas I will be going over. During the workshop, and even the week after that, until the phone call with Benny, I heard no criticism from them. But by then, the instructor’s forum had their opinions about my teaching and me. They didn’t like my ideas, but even worse – they had issues with my psychological make up.

They said I had a dark, bitter side. That I was a megalomaniac. A sociopath. A manipulative misogynist.

Those were people who I thought were my friends… People who I gave a hug to last time I saw during the weekend before, in a workshop we were teaching. People who never mentioned any such form of criticism like this before. Honestly, I’m sitting right here in front of the computer and my eyes just started balling. It’s still a touchy spot.
Most of all, I thought it was a conspiracy back then. I thought it was some sort of political power play where the other instructors wanted me out for their benefit. The reason I thought so was because I couldn’t understand who THE HELL was this person they were describing! Since I knew it wasn’t me, I couldn’t understand why they would write such lies.

Only the main instructor for XXX had kind words to me in that thread:

misogyny will kill you miserably. qball, if you are reading this, know that we are always here for you. we all go thru it. the search for happiness and flow is all that matters.

it’s not about who is right. it’s about what is right.

love always, brothers.

I will not and cannot forget that. Even the people who have met me at that point from XXX were quick to go with the herd and associate me to bad intentions and ill-will, but he had not. Thank God someone still believed that I’m human…

In either way, Supervisor’s e-mail asked me to explain myself and give my version. I opted out of that and rather than explain myself or any of my behaviors, I thanked him for the time I had with XXX and all the things I learnt. I couldn’t even fathom staying to work where people thought that badly of me.

I went on with my life bewildered by what had happened. About a week later, still being on the mailing list for XXX, I got a message that Benny wrote, saying how much of a success his workshop was. He never lead a crowd before, he never felt so confident. I guess he was the right man for the job. I let go of my paranoid ideas of political gain by then, and realized there was probably some feedback there, something I could learn. So, I sent him an e-mail wishing him all the best and asked him if he could elaborate about what I did wrong. I just didn’t understand, really. And for some reason, he thought I wasn’t being sincere about trying to change, and couldn’t come up with any examples. I wrote the other coach a similar e-mail but got no reply. It was a big mystery to me. Who was this man they were speaking of?

An internet quiz reveals my biggest sticking point
2 months passed. My game has been going terribly by then. I was going out, but my mood was terrible. Ever since breaking up with my girlfriend I pulled one girl, and that was two days after the breakup. My libido was down. My mood was down. There was a cloud over my thoughts, something I couldn’t put my finger on – at all!

I got recommended one day to do the personality disorder test on 4degreez.com, just for shits and giggles.

I never thought an internet quiz would change my life so much. It came up with the following:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:High
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

The ones that I got high/very high in basically meant that:
- I can never love anyone as much as I love myself
- I always need to be in the center of attention
- I use people like objects for my purposes

I didn’t even realize that was bad up until it being classified in front of my face as a personality disorder. I thought that’s what you needed to be to ‘get girls’.

I wrote in my blog:

I’ll describe here and now to myself my biggest sticking point:
I’m trying to get something out of girls. I treat them as objects to fulfill my desires, rather than real people. Canned lines that I find myself using lack authenticity, genuine interest and the emotions of love and caring I give to people who are close to me. In short, I am not myself when communicating with girls. The game has taught me many things, but has also suppressed my genuine self.

This message has been given to me so many times. I have realized it before – this is me just writing down my thoughts.
I love the game. It forces me to face my inner demons, slay the dragons of my mind, and become a happier liberated man. And I love all my judges, the lovely girls who I meet, who’s honest feedback as reflected by their actions teaches me what I do right and wrong.

When I did get it, I was shocked. It’s very hard to believe something about yourself you never even knew was there. I was indeed the person the other coaches were describing on the forums!

I wrote e-mails thanking Benny and the other coach for trying to tell me what I was doing wrong.
I guess either I wasn’t ready to listen when they wrote, or perhaps the negative tone of their message in the forum just didn’t help get the message through. But I still love them for trying to guide me out of my pain.

Opening my heart, closure
I put myself on a program to change everything that I thought about women, dropping all routines, agendas or anything else. Forcing myself to go out there everyday and give genuine compliments. And when I couldn’t find that natural genuine vibe, I’d give myself an exercise to sit down and write 10 great things about beautiful girls I see, as well as 3 things that I think are stopping them in life. Basically teaching myself how to open my heart again, to the good honest and loving person I was before I ever knew about the game. While I was doing this little program (it’s called “Superconfidence”, by the way, and is nothing short of amazing), I remember listening to Maddonna’s song “Frozen” one day. It made me cry when she sang these words:

“You’re frozen, when your heart’s not open”.

My heart really was frozen for very long. ‘The game’ brought out the worst demons in me, and inflated them until I couldn’t ignore them anymore. In retrospect, it was a lesson I had to learn.

When I finished this program, all I wanted was closure. Closure with all the women I hurt in my pickup career. All those hearts I tore. It was close to Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. The day of atonement for your sins. I’m very far from being religious, but I like that idea. I don’t fast, I drive my car, and even eat pork on Yom Kippur. But every year, I send apology emails to everyone I think I hurt that year. So I apologized to everyone I could contact. For some I didn’t have any way to do that – no phone, no e-mail, no name…

I eventually met up with a few. And I decided that all I wanted to do when I meet them was to keep my heart open. To take all the shit they can throw at me, all that anger for the things I’ve done to them. And accept it. And love them through it. And not just that. I wanted to be vulnerable.

I told them a quote-unquote deep rapport story. The deepest deep rapport story I ever had. I never told any girl this, and barely any guys. About how I got into this stuff. About how I was a 15 year old kid nerding around on the net, looking for search terms like ‘romance’ and ‘what do women want’ and not finding anything useful. About falling in love with my best friend, who used me to drive her all around town. About trying to romance a girl from my class into loving me. About the terrible hurt-wrenching crushes that I got for girls who I liked, and how I immediately got disgusted by girls who got the same crushes for me. About how I lied to get sex the first time. About how I found out about this community, from a lucky article about Mystery in Marie Claire magazine. And about all the wrong turns I made on my way to where I was then. Looking for my heart.

I couldn’t believe what happened next.
My casual fling, Kitten, who I have been fucking for 6 months, told me lying naked next to me in bed: “Thank you. I understand now.”
I thought she was going to spit on me. That she would be disgusted by who I was and what I’ve done. By my weakness. By not being a man.
She loved me for being strong enough to be genuine and show her my vulnerable side. We got closer and closer from that point on. The dam has been broken and the water was flowing. Honesty was part of our relationship now.

The next girl was Govi, who I haven’t seen for more than a year. Back then, she had already told me she loved me. About a week later she left my room saying “I wish I never met you”. That was the first time I told her I was sleeping with other girls, about 2 months into seeing her. And I told her right after sex… pretty bad timing, eh?

Sitting in a cafe, I told her this story. She started getting closer and closer to me. We ended the night in my bed, and continued to see each other romantically for the next month or so. Her mom calls and she says:
“I’m at Almog’s place. Yes, I did say I hate him. But that was last week!”
God bless women.

The last one was ChinaGirl, my ex-girlfriend. She left my house at a raging storm, when she found another girl’s hair on my bed. I never lied to her, and always told her that it was an open relationship. But at the same time I was acting as if it was just her. By now I know that conveying something is the same as saying it, even more so when it comes to women. Even more so when it comes to me, someone aware enough of all of what I sub-communicate with my behavior. Effectively, I was lying.

When we met in her house, she was very lukewarm. It was 3 months since I saw her last. 3 painful months where I had to facebook stalk the girl I had so much love for to know what was going on with her. She was so cold to me on the phone – all the warmness and love we had were just gone. I preferred not to ever hear her cold voice, which reminded me of how I betrayed her trust.

She was very reluctant to hear this story. She kept changing the subject, getting emotional about it, or simply interrupting me. I had to push through. I had to let her know. At some point I asked her to just listen. I remembered, she was such a good listener before this frostbite behavior set in. She listened.

When I finished telling her this story, and told her how my last months passed thinking about her, she started opening up to me. Telling me how much she missed me. Soon we were cuddled on the bed. Soon we were kissing. I asked her:
“How can this feel so right?”
“Because we are in love”, she said.
We had amazing sex that night. Me and her were in a beautiful, much more honest relationship until lately, when I moved cities and she moved continents.

Closing words
I’m a coach now. I have my company here in Melbourne, and I’ve got a couple of local clients. I’ve been coaching people in the last year. I helped a virgin coachee find a girlfriend. I helped a major player hold onto a strong loving relationship, even when the going got tough. I helped a female coachee with a dark morbid history of abuse and drug-addicted parents to cry in front of her boyfriend in order to show him how much she wants him to quit his drug habits. He’s been clean for a month now…

So just to re-iterate why I think I’m here. I’m in this for love – love which I feel for everyone who comes to me for help, and for those walking, breathing manifestation of beauty and kindness, women. I want to share my ideas, I want to learn from everyone else’s ideas and truly help others. This information was meant to be shared.

Thank you for reading this. I feel a great release in writing it. I thank my luck in finding this path which has made me the man I am today.

To our success in achieving our goals!

Love,
QBall
The original GI Jew

I’m fairly new to the community, although I’ve met some of you already. Basically, I read ‘the Game’ like a month ago and now I’ve decided to dedicate my life to being the best pick-up artist I can be. I hope it’s sooner rather than later but I’m planning on giving it a solid year of pick-up. So far I’ve gone out every night for a month and my game is already much better.

Hey bro!

Your efforts and motivation are awesome. I have some questions though – it would be very powerful for your goals if you choose to answer them here. Everything below is from my experience of goal-setting, motivation and general happiness in my life.

The two questions are:
1. What do you want to improve in your life by using this tool of pickup?
2. Why do you want that?

I’ll explain why.

Question 1 – What do you want to improve in your life by using this tool of pickup?
Having the right motivation is amazing and very effective. Having the wrong motivation or goals is destructive. I imagine that even before you read ‘The game’ you probably felt something lacking in your relationships with girls.

Perhaps you were pulling girls you thought you could do better than. Maybe you kept repeatedly get stuck in the friends zone. Maybe you got cheated on. And maybe you were a virgin. Doesn’t really matter which – you knew and felt you needed a change.

Then came ‘The game’ and you realized that there are men out there devoted to improving this aspect of their lives. And that was probably a relief to find that there is an answer to your question. But did you forget your original question in the process?

I have doubt whether your original issue was that you could be a better PUA. I don’t know your background; perhaps you were very good with girls and wanted to become a rock star. If that is the case you are a minority (5% or less, I assume) in the community. Otherwise, consider setting yourself up with less assuming goals. Don’t believe me, read what Michael Jordan says on goal-setting.

A goal of being the best PUA you can be is dangerous for another reason.
You do not want to base too much of your identity on being a PUA. Trust me on this, I’ve done it and have seen others do it. If you base a big part of your identity on something that you can’t share with girls, it may eventually RUIN your game. Imagine a much more innocent example – you spend all your free time on being the best marathon runner you can be. But you can’t tell anyone.

Girls can feel when you’re hiding something from them. They may feel it a month into a relationship or in 20 seconds of conversation if they are very perceptive. But they feel it. And it gives off the ‘creepy’ vibe. Not very attractive. Secret identities are cool for spies and superheroes. In real life, they’re a heavy burden to bare.

Pickup should be a tool, a means, not a goal. Perhaps when you are an established Ladies man, this goal of becoming the best PUA can benefit you. As for now, I suggest you concentrate more on improving your love life in general and sex life in particular. Accept that there are certain things in your life you wanted to fix. Write them down. And work on improving them specifically.

“May the Venusian arts enrich your life; not define it.”
~Mystery

Question 2 – Why do you want that?
This question is actually not important on its own. It’s only important in discerning whether your goals, as you answered on question 1 are good goals. Answer this question for each goal you’ve written down. If your motivation is positive (as in wanting to improve your emotional situation, make yourself happier) you’re golden. If it’s negative (as in wanting to avoid a hurtful emotional situation, make yourself less unhappy) you’re not so golden.

See, motivation that comes from fear, ego, wanting to avoid hurt, revenge etc will rarely lead to good results. Motivation coming from a genuine want to improve your life or the lives of others will work better.
For example this goal:

“I want to have sex with 20 girls this year”
Can have the following very different two reasons:

1. I have to prove to myself that I can do it.
2. I want to enjoy variety and new experiences with new girls.

The first one implies a lack. A necessity. If you achieve this goal, the end result will probably be a feeling of “now what?” rather than fulfillment.
The second will actually allow you to improve the quality of your life and allow you to grow in the direction of the person you want to become.
This is of course a generalization. No motivation is purely positive or negative. But as a general rule I find this to be very true.

I suggest you try to work on the goals that will improve the quality of your life first and foremost. Other goals can wait for later; from my experience negative-motivated goals tend to be way more transient than positive ones do.

All the best in your journey, my friend. I hope you found value in this post. I would also encourage everyone here to post their goals in pickup. And if you don’t have a goal, realize that this is the equivalent of running around like headless chicken. Write them down, for your own good. It’s part of the sporting life

My personal answers to these questions:
1. A meaningful relationship with (one or more) beautiful women.
2. I want to experience both incredible passion and emotional intimacy with the same girl.

What’s your answer?

WE SARGE, WE CLOSE, WE START A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Then the house of cards blows over. (Recently my girl huffed and puffed and walked away.)

I have had multiple Fuckbuddies over the years. A great proportion of these women fall in love with me.

I DON’T KNOW WHY

I am not overly nice. I see them only in booty call hours.

I KNOW THE THEORY

Outline the rules early. Tell them ‘this will be purely sexual.’ But actually calibrating and getting girls into that reality is different.

SO HOW IS IT DONE?

My answer:

Hey man,

Actions speak louder than words. And as you’ve said, you’re nice. This may not sound like a lot to you, but perhaps compared with other one-dimensional Aussie ‘blokes’ your emotional intelligence and kindness comes through…

Personally, I don’t really believe in purely sexual relationships. Is that really all you want – just a girl to come over, fuck you and go home? I can’t really help you with that – and I don’t think that any normal girl would stay around for too long – it just doesn’t fulfill them emotionally. Personally, I get bored of fucking a stranger after a while, no matter how hot she is… So I always involve at least a bit of emotion there, it makes everything oh-so-much better.

Your relationship reality grounding story
Keeping that in mind, I have been only in open relationships my entire life. The way that’s done best, in my experience, is to be completely natural about it – Zanify yourself. This is an entire mindset, but for starters, be completely open and honest.
How? Tell her a grounding story, a deep rapport story spanning throughout your entire love life – from the first girl you kissed, through your most meaningful relationships, and to where you are now. Don’t avoid pain, embarrassment, or stuff you think may make you look weak. Those are exactly the points you should embrace. She’s attracted to you by now, so this will only make her feel better – like there’s an actual person behind your strong relationship “rules and regulations”.

Concise excerpt from my story:
“I was a secret admirer for the first girl who I courted at 15, putting presents in her mailbox everyday. I even hired a PO Box at the post office so she could mail back without revealing my identity. She never did…
At 17 I was in love with my best friend, and never told her.. Another girl was in love with me, and we were getting it on, but I never liked her so much. And so a pattern started where I would always get the girls who I didn’t like, and got needy for the ones I did so I’d lose them.”

My story is specially intense, as I tell how frustrated I was with my situation with women, my PUA history and how I worked as a pickup instructor for a big company. I finished off by saying how I’ve realized I’ve just been chasing my own tail, and I’m looking for my heart now. And how I care to make every relationship with a girl deeper. This entire story is true, and comes from my heart – this is of utmost importance.

The responses to this have been amazing. A long time FB who was starting to be flaky because falling for me said “Thank you. I understand now” – and our relationship has grown much deeper, with less flakiness since. Another 2 girls who I was broken up with – over this exact issue – have gone back to me upon hearing this truly honest story, alongside with a general attitude of openness. It gives them the one thing they don’t get in an open relationship – certainty. They know who I am, what my limits are, what my relationship boundaries are – and they see I actually live up to those. At the same time, I’m willing to accept them for who they are. If we’re both honest about what we want and can give each other that – which is mostly the case – than a relationship is in course.

By the way, the conclusion to my story is that I’m currently “looking for my heart” (more vague than “looking for love”) and will not settle for anything less for a commitment. Another way is to say you won’t do it unless it “feels right”. Don’t explain yourself logically. It’s not a logical issue – it’s an emotional one. And girls know it. Being subjective here is key, talk about your true emotions, nothing she can argue with.

Even if I’ve exchanged “I love you” with, I just said I will not commit if I don’t feel like doing it – which is true. It’s about my freedom, and I will only give it up if I’m deeply inclined to do so. Trying to push me in that direction will only do the opposite.

How did you become a pick-up artist?

The purpose of learning to become a PUA is to be better with women. And that cannot be achieved without making them happy and adding value into their lives. There is no magic bullet or spell that can be cast to get a woman attracted to you – you have to go through a lengthy process of self growth. A big part of it is understanding the reality of women and being able to relate to them. So in fact, the deeper you get into ‘the game’ the more you care, respect and understand women.

Should girls beware?

Are there female PUAs?

- You have to evoke emotional state in a girl in order to be able to seduce
- You need to be “in state” when you’re in the field. Do you know what that state is?

Let’s start.

Basically, people live most of their lives in between two states:

- Logical state
- Emotional state

Every one of us in the human race spends part of their time in both states, interchangeably.

STATES AND GENDERS
In my opinion, the cause for most misunderstandings between females and males stems from a very simple difference.
Girls (as a general, statistic rule) spend a lot more of their time in emotional state. Hence, they are referred to as “emotional creatures” a lot of the time, they are considered to have higher tendencies to panic etc.
Guys (same generalization) spend a lot more of their time in logical state. A lot of guys have ZERO emotional intelligence. They do not understand their emotions, they would never even admit to having been emotional. Their tendency to backwards rationalize is huge, and they don’t accept (unlike girls) that sometimes they are not LOGICALLY in control of themselves.

STATES EXPLAINED

LOGICAL STATE (LS)
This state involves everything that is governed by rules and requires structured thinking. For example – if I ask you to compute how much 728*43 is, you will immediately go into LS (if you choose to take this mission..)

However, this applies to cases where you actually have to use your logic and apply rules. For example, asking you how much 3*4 is would usually have nothing to do with calculations but just with memory access – as I assume most of us remember the multiplication table.
In the same way, tasks that have already become a skillset will not require you to be in LS although they are governed by rules and require structured thinking. Why? Because once you’ve done something enough times you’re subconscious takes over and does most of the task automatically. A good example would be driving a car, typing on a keyboard (which turns into touch typing with time…) etc.

LS is not enjoyable. This is a major generalization (and I fully believe in it). Bear with me and I will try to explain.

Let’s look at a classic LS activity – academic studies (in fields like engineering, IT, etc). People do not like the way it feels when they start learning something new. It always feels like a new, unknown world. And so, people need some kind of motivation (internal or external) to go into LS. You might say that you’re happy you’re learning in University and love studying, but in fact, you are happy with the consequences of what the continuous logical state will bring you – deeper understanding, a diploma, better job prospects, doing what society expects you to. The actual state of studying is not only not enjoyable but very tiring.

With regards to PU – girls DO NOT want to be put in LS. LS is uninteresting. They want someone to trigger them emotionally. When a guy comes up to a girl with interview style (“what’s your name?”, “what do you do?” etc) it triggers absolutely no emotion. She just accesses her memory and answers him (if she’s nice…), but at the same time her brain is being logical thinking “what is this guy doing here? what does he want from me? when is he going away?” and trying to analyze it. Another example – you tell a girl you like her, and she asks “why do you like me?”. Most guys will start analyzing why, putting themselves and the girl in LS. She obviously just wants to hear the emotionally valid answer (which makes perfect sense to most girls and emotionally savvy guys – and is also the truth) – “I don’t know what it is really… I didn’t come with a manual to being human”.

One more point about logical state – it has very much to do with conscious (in contrast with subconscious). It requires effort to actually tell your brain what to do, because your subconscious likes to “take over” and do what it feels like.

A final example to sum it up – LS is not enjoyable at all. You start enjoying maths when you get a “feel” for an equation and intuitively “know” where to proceed. This isn’t logical state. This is developing an internal skillset with regards to maths. Your subconscious reigns, and then is when you enjoy it.

If anyone can think of a logical state that they enjoy without motivation (motivation actually being an emotional state), please let me know and I’ll reconsider these statements.

EMOTIONAL STATE (ES)

ES is the mirror picture of LS. It has a lot to do with your ego and how you define your personality (in the way the world sees it). It also has a lot to do with creativity, imagination and being “in the zone”.

Things that will put you in an ES immediately would be:
* Engaging your imagination: “Imagine a desert scene with a deep blue clouded sky. Camels are walking in the horizon while the wind blows in your hair”.

* Describing emotions: “That made me feel so worthless I almost felt like crying”.

* Anything to do with the senses – colors, smells, sensations described in general: “I went to a restaurant today, and guess what I had? Beautiful green salad with soy sauce, and [...]“. Describing meals is classic girl-speak by the way, as they access their ES much easier then men.

* Anything to do with your EGO – the ways you define yourself and keep constantly trying to prove to your environment and yourself. For example, a girl who has an ego point regarding smarts, that is she keeps trying to convince herself and everyone that she is clever, will be very insulted if you tell her she’s stupid. Really smart girls would be much less hurt, as they don’t believe you… But ironically, really stupid girls would also be less hurt – because they’ve accepted (to a certain level) that they’re stupid – it’s all about life experiences. This is pretty convoluted, but with some more thinking, trust me, it makes sense.

I will go back to the topic of Ego Points on a later article (if there is an interest) – but for this article, it’s enough to know that if you know someone’s ego points (something they keep trying to prove to themselves and/or the environment) you can put them in ES just by mentioning it – approving or disapproving of this opinion they have of themselves).

Now this is where ES gets tricky. Unlike LS, ES can be divided further into two:
- Positive Emotional State (ES+)
- Negative Emotional State (ES-)

ES+ would consist of good sensations running through your body which lead to good emotions. Making someone imagine something pleasurable is an example. ES- is the opposite, of course.

Why do I refer to these states as basically one and the same? Because, once someone is in an ES, they could easily be moved into the mirroring ES. Giving a girl a compliment and then saying “don’t let it get to your head”, followed by “but I still like you. You’re cool” is an example of ES juggling, also known in the community as Push and Pull.

ES is most definitely interesting, however, it cannot simply be said to be pleasurable. ES+ is definitely pleasurable, but ES- is a much more painful state to be in then LS (Logical state).

Emotional state is governed by your subconscious and has 2 main parts to it:
- Learned internalized skillsets and habits (things learned via trial and error and/or in logical state).
- Hardwired primitive urges.

Unlike Logical state, which seems a lot more simple to analyze (to me), it seems ES has a lot of intricacy to it. It has varying levels of intensity, and the harder the level of intensity is, the harder it is to do ES juggling.

It would be very hard to turn someone angry into a smiling, happy camper. However, taking them to logical state won’t help either. What should
be done is lowering the intensity of the ES, from very angry to, say, pissed off. From that point, you can (for example) use some humour to do ES juggling.

ES also feeds on social environment energies. When people around you are in ES+, it is hard to be in ES-. I believe that this is due to tribal behaviours, making it necessary for the tribe to share emotions in order to work better as a group.

There are some other points now, but they do not come to mind…

STATE SWITCH
If it seemed like you are necessarily in one state or another for hours on end, that is definitely not necasssarily true. State switches can be very quick – ES+ TO ES- for example. But also, low energy and interviewing style PU can bring someone out of ES and into LS. Life is constantly about these state switches, but the brain can only be in one state at one time – even if it is for a millisecond.
On the other hand, you can be in a state for hours, and I’m sure most of us can remember a recent occassion where they were emotional for HOURS.

I will soon proceed to describe the third, powerful state required for PU – EQUI-STATE (QS). But before, a short discussion about states and value.

STATES AND VALUE
Value is actually a very tangible quality that our brains feel and analyzes all the time. You know when a true alpha is around, and if you don’t – your brain does. It constantly keeps track of your value and the value of people around you and does comparisons.

Now, there are many ways to convey higher value, but it seems you can describe all of them with the following abstract rule:
In a relationship between two people, the person of higher value (x) the one who can consistently (throughout their interactions) put the other person (y) in a higher intensity Emotional State than x’s Emotional State is at the time of interaction.

This sounds very mathematical, so I’ll explain by examples again:
* Someone who can get you really angry while remaining relatively unaffected is higher value.
* Someone who can make you laugh incessantly without laughing themselves is higher value.
* Someone who can make you cry without being emotional themselves is higher value.

And – and this is what we do with PU:
* Someone who can make you feel strong emotional feelings without (seemingly) feeling the same, is HIGHER VALUE.

EQUI STATE (QS)
OK, this is a tricky one. Because, unlike the other ones, this is a state where you have to consciously work against your bodily sensations. My definition for equi-state is “a state in which you’re aware of your own emotions and sensations, but decide on your course of action logically”. In that, it is a bridge between ES and LS. I think it is caused by a flow of adrenaline into the body, but without being angry or afraid. That is (usually), “fight or flight” instinct is triggered, but not acted upon.

I believe most of us in the lair have witnessed and felt it.

Examples:
* Feeling “fear of approach” but approaching.
* You feel “fight or flight” in an argument but choose not to do either – you don’t apologize and you don’t lash back. You remain unaffected.
* Doing a bungee jump.

And maybe these too: (to a lesser degree if any, not sure)
* Feeling disgust from a certain activity but doing it still.
* Withholding yourself from doing something you really want but you know you should (dieting, quitting smoking, etc).

QS bears with it tremendous feelings of confidence and self control, and also a feeling of “I know what to do”. The more you do it, the more comfortable it feels to go past fears and break bad old habits.

And now, how to get into QS? The answer is not an easy one. You have to do what you know you should, but don’t feel like doing. You have to be true to yourself, and at the same time remain emotionally unaffected.
This is, by the way, my latest definition of Alpha – true to yourself, and emotionally unaffected.

I hope you see why QS projects so much value. If you look back to the topic of states and value, you will see that by staying in QS, you will do two things:

* Create ES in other people (this requires techniques, but being in QS makes it easy and would also make you feel congruent).
* Remain emotionally unaffected yourself.

One more thing that needs to be mentioned about QS – it is VERY fragile. That is, it’s very easy to fall from it into ES (either ES+ or ES-). However, just like ES it has intensity levels. That is why warm up sets work – you go past your fear of approach once, twice, three times – and you amplify your state.

GIRLS CLASSIFIED BY STATE

So again, as I said, girls tend to be in ES much more of the time. But how much? The amount of time a girl spends in ES is pretty clear after some calibration (if you understand some of the ideas in this article, you should be able to tell someone’s state in no time soon…). However, the amount of time she spend in ES also determines a lot.

Super emotional girl – FLAKES – can be detected by using a lot of emotional words (the 5 senses, talking about her ego, etc). These girls are GOVERNED by their emotions, and are almost always in ES. This makes it easy, because they will not resist being put in emotional state in the first place. However, as I said, ES+ is what makes people happy basically, and that’s where you want to put them in their interactions with you. However, you should consider the fact that these girls have experience a lot more ES+. And so, their emotional needs you need to meet are A LOT higher. You need to master emotional juggling to be able to handle flakes well.

Logical girls – These are a rare breed, but they are still there to be found. These girls would usually work in jobs that require a lot of LS, such as accountants, programmers, engineers, etc. It is VERY easy to be interesting to these girls, as they access ES a lot less than most girls. However, when they get to an intensified ES, they are OUT OF CONTROL. They have a lot less experience with ES, and it just takes over them.

Regular girls – I would say these are most girls, and they spend most of their time (60-80%) in ES. Their emotional bar (how hard it is to get them into ES) varies, but with some calibration can be found and bypassed. And after that, it’s all up to you…

CLOSING NOTES
OK, this is pretty much what I had in mind at the moment… I just felt in the zone and wrote all this train of thought – I might go back and fix some things. This is the first time I put these ideas into written form, and your comments would be VERY helpful.

One thing I definitely need advice on is being “in the zone” (or “flow” as it is referred to in the book “Emotional intelligence”) – doing something almost subconsciously but with a lot of precision and energy. The example the book gives is a neuro-surgeon doing brain surgery for 8 straight hours, and finding out when the operation is finished that part of the ceiling collapsed in the room 5 hours before… The same would be true for sports people during gametime, dancers in a recital etc. This might be QS, but it doesn’t coincide with my definitions for it. Is it a fourth state? Intensified Logical state? Your ideas are welcome.

QBall

- What is rapport seeking behavior? AND

- Whether asking many questions can be interpreted as seeking rapport?

Great questions, Jazzy!

Everyone knows, consciously or subconsciously, that if you want to connect with someone, you have to find something that you can both relate to: commonalities. That’s why people ask each other what music they like, what shows they watch, what their favorite holiday destinations are and so on.

First to explain what rapport seeking is, I have to explain the levels of rapport. See, if rapport is talking about personal matters – some issues are more personal than others. For example, a random person asking you straight off the bat in the street what age you lost your virginity would be completely rude – right? If I answer him I immediately lower my value – as he gave me nothing personal about himself. I can talk much more about levels of rapport, but you can sum it up with these 3 levels (having many shades of gray in them and between them):

Surface rapport – (basic facts about myself. Someone wanting to know them is showing a ‘general interest’, or maybe is just being polite.
Medium rapport – some more personal things about myself. Nothing that I don’t mind sharing, but I will share only if it feels like the other person is really interested in what I have to say.
Deep rapport – big emotional events, things that changed the course of my life. Things that inspired me, defeated me, things that made me proud, my closest relationships etc. I would only open up like this if I know the person is very interested, but also that they won’t judge me.
Rapport in pickup
Pickup artists talk about amusing interesting topics until they find something the girl says they can actually relate to. They don’t ask too many interested questions, and facilitate the situation so that she works to find their commonalities as well. When the commonalities surface, it is in a very natural manner – “I just found this something about you, and you interest me.” If nothing like this can be found, it’d be very hard to connect with a girl at any level.
Rapport seeking is the opposite behaviour – it’s the effort made to relate to something with higher level of rapport than was provided (i.e. a big investment, you lose value). Rapport seeking shows a wish to connect with the other person, usually because of higher value (e.g. your boss) or attraction.

In this sarge, rapport seeking behaviour was obvious straight off the bat. The first bit of information about me was revealed in response to her question (I’m from Israel, surface rapport). In response, she started going on about a friend she has that is from there and how much she likes her (medium rapport), as well as telling me a story about how crazy of a driver she is, and how most Israelis are (trying very hard to connect).

The subcommunication was “I get along with Israelis and know lots about them – so we’ll get along well – you should keep talking to me!”. Also, the fact that she talked for so long after the short answer I gave showed that she either wants to prove to me that she knows Israelis, or that she’s trying to give as many points as possible for us to connect on. Or both. Quite obvious now when we’re out of the field, huh?

As to your question, Jazzy – asking too many questions is also a rapport seeking behaviour and would be quite obvious to any girl that has any game.

Example of how I treat information given to me when it’s too early to relate: (beginning of the sarge, need more attraction)

Q: “So where are you from?”
HB: “Ireland.”
Q: “Are you a lepricon? Your nose is red, and your voice is squeaky. Are you after my lucky charms?”
HB: “Hahaha, where are YOU from?”

I respond to their answers with zany humour, usually the kind that shows that I can relate to them but choose not to. This creates fun conversation AND enough intrigue for them to keep asking me questions (and in effect seeking rapport from you).

Great question Jazzy,
QBall

“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.”

1. Background
Girls have two mating strategies – one for the long term and one for the short term.

Long term mating strategy A girl needs to find a provider; someone who will take care of her –which means supply safety and food for her and her children. These are classic beta characteristics, and in pickup relate very much to long game (the 7 hours rules, Mystery method) which implies a lot of emotional comfort before sex. A beta male’s winning strategy is to show the girl that he has the characteristics of a provider and that is why she should be with him in the long term. This will allow her to maintain good social status for her and her kids – a steady one even if not an optimal one. Good long game makes girls sexually accepting to the male’s advances.
Short term mating strategy a girl needs a lover. Someone make sure that the genes her children have are a good combination of hers and another male with superior genes – an alpha male. In pickup this is related to short game usually (fast escalation, first night closes, Oracle method) which implies a lot of attraction before sex. The alpha has to show a girl that he has good genes (value) as well as that her social status will not be hurt by having sex with him – she won’t feel like a slut and society won’t judge her as one. Good short game makes girl sexually aggressive towards the male and in a pursuit after his genes (or sex with him).

Believe it or not, but for a girl to be emotionally balanced, she needs to have both. If a girl has a long term partner who is beta, she will still be in need of a good alpha male’s genes and would still be open to advances. If you have a classic FB relationship with a girl and give her close to zero of emotional comfort, she will seek that with other men. These two – lover and provider can be found in the same person, but are generally mutually exclusive. So, all and all, in order to have a healthy fun relationship you want to be both!

That means that throughout the relationship you have to always show your value to the girl to keep her attraction (lover type). Having your own standards and expectations in life, having a vision that is bigger than just that relationship is the right direction. Also, initial education to the kind of treatment you’re expecting from her side and keeping to it is crucial.
In order to be a good provider you have to make her feel that her social status is safe – you are always there to protect her. You will not let her suffer humiliating social circumstances which will make her feel weak and less worthy. Also, never fight with her – fighting with a girl always serves to push you two further apart. There are better ways to solve any issue in a relationship.

2. The two forms of sex
So what is the role of sex in a relationship really?
Most guys find the concept very hard to understand, but sex for a girl is an emotional experience, much more so than a physical one. And in this emotional experience there is sub-communication – much like pickup. Just like your nonverbals tell her more about you (body language, tonality, eye contact) than what you say, she judges more about you during sex from things that don’t have to do with the angle you penetrate her and how deep you go in.

Here I go into the two main forms of having sex: ‘fucking’ and ‘making love’.

Fucking – having sex with a girl in a way that is very dominant and alpha. The girl feels during sex that you are a strong alpha male, with great genes. This in turn helps you maintain value (and her attraction to you) in the relationship.

Making love – having sex with a girl in a way that makes her feel how much you care for her. The girl feels during sex that she has someone who will take care of her, someone that makes her feel safe. This in turn helps you escalate the relationship emotionally, deepen her love for you (and yours to her).

More on those later.

3. Relationship control mechanisms
There are two main systems to control relationships: dominance and drama.

3.1 Dominance
Dominance is usually more associated with men. It is the leading the interactions, and making all the decisions in a way that benefits both sides. Good dominance makes the dominated feel that they can rely on the other person to make decisions for them (even if they weren’t initially completely in agreement) because the end results will be a positive one. For example, setting a day2 with a girl – and making the decisions regarding time and place. The girl might not have chosen those places herself, but once she’s there – you make sure she enjoys it. She learns to trust you. Girls can use dominance too in a relationship, and you can expect that from HSE girls. Dominance can be both a long-term strategy (in growing a girl accustomed to be controlled by you) and a short-term one (in making the decisions in new situations thus effectively controlling them).

3.2. Drama
Drama is usually associated with girls. It is the creation of an emotional situation in which the other side responds with empathy to the dramatizer’s situation. In that situation, feeling what they feel, the dramatizer may demand a certain treatment that would be unacceptable if that level of empathy has not been reached. It is almost like a spell of putting the other side in their shoes. However, guys may use drama as well to escalate relationships, and the main example for this is the anti-LMR technique “freeze out”. A good freeze out makes a girl feel that she has turned you off and that she might lose you because of it. It makes her feel that you’re frustrated, but not angry, and that you can leave at any second – you don’t need her. The conveyance of this is what makes a freeze out so effective.
Girls would usually create drama in order to get angry at a situation in which they felt belittled or they have received treatment that was unfair from you. This can be after the situation is over, or while you’re trying to make your decision. If you are affected, you change your behavior, and have effectively succumbed to more control over a relationship.
Drama is very useful in creating boundaries in the relationship and maintaining long term standards, as a mistake that was met with drama which affected a guy would usually not happen again if not treated right – the girl learns that drama in that situation helps to control her man and the man avoids the so-called mistake. It can also be useful in avoiding situations if the drama is strong and immediate enough to make the other side change their decision (“freeze out”).

Guys want to receive as little drama as they can from girls. Being put in the other side’s shoes when they feel bad is emotionally draining. Maintaining unaffectedness towards the problems of someone you care about is emotionally draining as well, and becomes bad when an actual problem surfaces and you cannot identify it because you are used to receive drama.

Many times, way more than I thought, girls will introduce drama into the relationship when they are not sexually satisfied. They will not do it consciously. This will, if not treated properly, cause you to invest more emotion in the relationship, become more beta and lose value (attraction/comfort) in her eyes. So you want to prevent drama, give them good sex.

On a side note, as I mentioned before, it is important that the first times a girl introduces drama you act in a cold manner which implies that you are non-reactive to it – withdraw
the positive attention she usually receives from you. This will be the only good form of punishment (remember – never fight with her!). Overall, some girls are used to control relationships with drama, and might be hard to wean – but the precedent must be set that this is not the sort of behavior you would accept. It is hard to define meaningless drama over real emotional crisis – but a girl making you feel guilty for stuff that you do, or even a girl crying continuously to you over her problems at work are not things I accept. Our time together should be happy and as a rule I don’t accept anything that would create unhappiness. If a girl introduces drama I will pretty often cut the interaction with her shorter and/or not see her for a short while – the hint is understood. This topic is covered more in Oracle’s Postsarging: handling FBs and MLTRs.

3.2.1 Girls need drama
Oracle writes in that article: “Women love drama. They think it’s necessary, but that is of course wrong.” I disagree, and I think he defines drama different than me. Negative drama as a control mechanism is indeed unnecessary. But girls (and indeed everyone) have to feel emotional ups and downs happen in their lives – otherwise they get bored. What’s good is that in a relationship you can provide your girl with that need for drama. Taking girls to incredible emotional highs is the sort of positive drama that prevents negative drama from happening. A great night of wild sex or you telling a girl you love her for the first time are examples of positive drama. As a general rule, anything that makes a girl very emotional (or opposite of bored) can be drama – be it a movie, or a show. If she feels like her life is boring when she’s around you, she will associate it with you and cause drama.

4. Using sex in the relationship
The best way to deal with drama is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Usually you can tell (if you’re aware and sensitive enough) to slight changes in the girl’s behavior – times when she changes from her baseline. Now you have to think to yourself:
“Is this drama caused from a lack in value or a lack in comfort?”

4.1. Detecting the problem
Examples for lack of value: You’ve let a girl push you around for a while, or did something that she wanted but you obviously didn’t enjoy, or accepted her opinion about something when you actually thought the opposite. Your behavior changes to be more beta afterwards and a girl is less attracted to you.
Examples for lack of comfort: You’ve let a girl down, by causing her to feel uncared for in a way that could cause her social status to be hurt. For example: you have been canceling dates on her, she has suspicions that you’re emotionally cheating on her (assuming this is a closed relationship) in a way that might imply that you’d leave her in the near future or let her status for you fall (from primary girl to secondary girl if it’s an open one) etc.

The cure to all of these is to realize them before they happened and deal with them in the proper kind of sex. Why sex rather then talk things over for example?
Well, people are more prone to change their mind when they are very emotional. And girls (as well as guys) get very emotional during sex. In short, the answer is:
Sex is the quickest, most efficient, most believable and most fun way to convey strong emotions.

4.2. The solution: sex
If you are losing value, fuck her more. That means to both have very dominant sex with her, fucking her like a sex object, put her in positions that you like more, dirty talk to her. Having more sex with her than she would usually have with you is also very dominant, but should be dealt with carefully – of course you don’t want to force sex on her. If you’re passionate enough however, and initiate sex more she would usually not resist and get into it. The result of more fucking is to increase the girl’s libido or sexual aggressiveness towards you. She will have more attraction to you, and hence you have more value.

If you are losing comfort, make more love to her. That means, have very intimate sex with her, in a way that makes her feel like you care about how she feels, put her in positions that she likes, do things which are related to her pleasure (go down on her more and for longer periods), emotionally talk to her, let her control more of the sexual interactions. The result of more lovemaking is the increase in the emotional connection between you and the girl, and the increase of her sexual openness towards you (including the initiation of more sex or more adventurousness in the bedroom in general). She will have more comfort with you.

4.3. The importance of her orgasm
As was said before, sex is more an emotional experience than a physical one to a girl. Every sex session should be orchestrated as a narrative, starting from foreplay (or even starting with the time you spend with her leading to it, like the date) and ending in her climax. Girls are very romantic and story-oriented like that. And the narrative better have a happy ending!
Also, especially in dominant sex, it is important to make the girl come to prevent the feeling that you are a selfish lover. You care about her needs in bed, even if you fuck her like she’s a sexual object. Fucking a girl like she’s a sex object is a big turn on for many girls, being in the man’s control, and by itself causes the sex to be more passionate and increase the likelihood that she comes from your so-called selfish acts (thrusting very quickly, fucking her when she’s still raw and not wet yet etc).
Her orgasm isn’t necessarily related to sex (although it is best if done so). If she hasn’t come during sex and you came before her (and hence cannot perform because of refraction time) – make her come either manually or orally. This will still be associated with the pleasure of the actual penetrative sex act. It is always superior to get the girl to come during sex in general, but I find that sometimes even getting her to come before you is both boring and predictable and detracts from your value as it may imply you’re less in the moment and preventing your own ecstasy for her (lower value).

4.4. The importance of talk – emotional talk and dirty talk
This is not to be underestimated. If sex is a story, the talking is the soundtrack. Making sounds in general is important, and if you’re not a loud lover, become one. But dirty talk and emotional talk have a very powerful function too. The more someone is emotional, the easier it is to affect their subconscious. And since sex is such a strong emotional experience for a girl, when you talk to them during sex, you’re talking to their subconscious. The messages you say in these moments of passion remain etched in her subconscious very powerfully – even if (and this is very common) she won’t remember what you said specifically during sex. So, make the messages very value/comfort related – even in a very direct way – this will work both to turn a girl more and for your longer term goals.

Examples for very direct dirty talk:
“Baby, you’ve been thinking about fucking me all night long. You’re such a dirty little slut.. You love having this big cock inside of you, pounding you like you’re a piece of meat. You love servicing this cock (if she rides you) and making your man come. You need me so much, baby – I give you so much pleasure. No other man can fuck you like this.”

Examples of very direct emotional talk:
“Baby, I love you so much. Having my cock inside you, I feel how much you care for me, and I care so much for you too. I’ll always have your back baby (hold her close), and I’ll never let anyone harm you. I’ll always keep you safe baby. I’ll keep fucking you forever baby, giving you all this pleasure baby.”

4.5. Sex and relationship sta
bility and escalation
You might have more fucking or more lovemaking in the relationship – and the ratios may vary at different times. In this sense, the sex you have accompanies how dominance/comfort you have with your girl. More than that, it actually helps escalate dominance and comfort in relationships. It’s just a necessary piece of the relationship puzzle.
Putting more emphasis on one sort of sex at certain times is great. For example, on her birthday, if you had an entire night which concerned her, with her friends all showing her how much they care for her and her being the center of attention – more lovemaking is only natural.

4.6. Orgasm scorekeeping
As a rule of thumb I follow, there shouldn’t be a situation where a sexual session ends without both sides orgasming at least once (unless consequences prevent it). Yes, even when a girl has her rags. This is especially important in the beginning of the relationship to show that sex is something you both mutually enjoy.
For example, the first time I had sex with my current girlfriend she was being a selfish lover and rode me until climax. After that she asked for a 5 minute break, which I was OK with, and after another 5 minutes she peeled the condom off of me and said that we continue the next morning. I wasn’t going to stay the night over that night, and I told her that I want a blowjob. Some shit tests later (“Am I going to be your summer sex slave?”,”Yes”) she gave me a blowjob, after which she got so turned on we had sex again. What’s important is that I set sex as something we both enjoy and contribute towards – from the first time.
However, there is no need to be petty! As long as none of the partners are being selfish, pretty much everything is OK. A lot of times one of the partners comes more times than the other and that’s fine.

4.7. Shapeshifting
It is also important to note the shape shifter archetype. The shape shifter is the best kind of lover as defined by Daniel Rose in The sex revolution handbook (which is now named “The sex god method”). Without getting too much into the content of the book (read it! It’s a must and inspired much of this article), the point that I want to make is that you can, and sometimes should change styles of sex in the middle of a session and even combine dirty and emotional statements and the relevant sexual moves. This is explained in great detail in the book, and I will not go into it here.

5. General relationship frame
I want to describe some of my beliefs about a relationship, which helps them stay fun, while I still hold a strong frame.
- She is always happy around me – we’re always happy together. Our time together is special and appreciated, and any bringing up of unnecessary bad (e.g. drama) detracts from it – for both of us.
- When she things that I like (compliance), I reward her by more of my time and/or positive attention. When she doesn’t I punish her by taking those away. This is a classic warm alpha strategy, as I never punish by being angry at her. I only do what’s natural for me – when I’m angry at her, I don’t want her around. So when she does something bad, she ultimately feels bad – however this isn’t dogs we’re training here but (hopefully) clever women; I never directly mention what she did wrong (unless desperately needed). They get the hint and I convey very little affectedness of my mood from her behavior. Your woman wants you to be strong like a rock. Credit to most of these ideas – Oracle.
- I make the decisions. She can suggest what we do but I make the calls.
- I’m the best thing that she has in HER life (rather than most relationships when it’s the other way around). I provide the highest emotional highs and lows and excitement and so leaving me isn’t an option.

6. Closing thoughts
Make sure your girl is satisfied – both by orgasms and the right kind of emotions she receives from you during the sex act. Act accordingly in the relationship as well. This will prevent drama and help maintain happy, healthy relationships.

Your comments are very welcome.
QBall

Sexual experience
- getting comfortable with sexual tension (i used to hate it in PU). This time everytime I see my GF walk through the door I get a hard on. But I don’t drag her to my room and fuck her! There is a slight process of:
- constant re-seduction – making the other person horny and wanting sex almost turns into a game. An old FB of mine used to come over and hang, and when she got bored, rode me until I was ready to fuck the shit out of her. With guys doing it to girls it’s more subtle, but again very PU related.
- Getting better in bed
- Sexual presence – happens when you realize girls really like sex and hence it is OK to show your sex loving side all the time.
- Eliminate sexual neediness- relevant to open/FB relationships only, but still very powerful.

Emotional intimacy
- Understanding a woman’s world
- Being able to connect with her
- Liking her despite of her weaknesses or even because she had the courage to expose them.
- Treating a girl like a puzzle you want to solve.
- Treating a girl like a project, someone who you want to help achieve their goals.

All of these translate to a warming up of your personality. Some can be achieved by very close friendship relationships, but that wouldn’t (of course) include the sex part.

Understanding women
There is no man who attracts 9s and 10s but who all other girls find unattractive. Women are women, period. And being in a close relationship with a women makes you understand their psyche so much better. You’ll see them when they’re up and when they’re down. You’ll slowly see the shell of coolness they let everyone be fooled by, drop to show insecurities you never thought would be there. And you learn how to heal them and make them feel better.
Yes, you’ll receive your share of drama in relationships. And as with every relationship you’d have to compromise. And learn.

Validation – constantly reminded that there is a girl attracted to you. Hence, you are attractive to girls.

Ability to try PU ideas on your girl – like a safe environment, she will not dump you for negging her too hard! Everything from dirty texts to frames can be practiced.

Fashion ideas – most likely the girl will start grooming you so you would look more presentable, and mention when you’re not (as your image reflects on hers). This is constructive criticism.

Get a steady girl, I say. Get close to her physically and emotionally and improve your attract and rapport abilities. This will be a beautiful experience of getting closer to another person, as well as a very rewarding one.

QBall