Rapport levels and rapport seeking

I mentioned in a report that a girl was showing me rapport seeking behaviour. Jazzy replied with two questions:

- What is rapport seeking behavior? AND

- Whether asking many questions can be interpreted as seeking rapport?

Great questions, Jazzy!

Everyone knows, consciously or subconsciously, that if you want to connect with someone, you have to find something that you can both relate to: commonalities. That’s why people ask each other what music they like, what shows they watch, what their favorite holiday destinations are and so on.

First to explain what rapport seeking is, I have to explain the levels of rapport. See, if rapport is talking about personal matters – some issues are more personal than others. For example, a random person asking you straight off the bat in the street what age you lost your virginity would be completely rude – right? If I answer him I immediately lower my value – as he gave me nothing personal about himself. I can talk much more about levels of rapport, but you can sum it up with these 3 levels (having many shades of gray in them and between them):

Surface rapport – (basic facts about myself. Someone wanting to know them is showing a ‘general interest’, or maybe is just being polite.
Medium rapport – some more personal things about myself. Nothing that I don’t mind sharing, but I will share only if it feels like the other person is really interested in what I have to say.
Deep rapport – big emotional events, things that changed the course of my life. Things that inspired me, defeated me, things that made me proud, my closest relationships etc. I would only open up like this if I know the person is very interested, but also that they won’t judge me.
Rapport in pickup
Pickup artists talk about amusing interesting topics until they find something the girl says they can actually relate to. They don’t ask too many interested questions, and facilitate the situation so that she works to find their commonalities as well. When the commonalities surface, it is in a very natural manner – “I just found this something about you, and you interest me.” If nothing like this can be found, it’d be very hard to connect with a girl at any level.
Rapport seeking is the opposite behaviour – it’s the effort made to relate to something with higher level of rapport than was provided (i.e. a big investment, you lose value). Rapport seeking shows a wish to connect with the other person, usually because of higher value (e.g. your boss) or attraction.

In this sarge, rapport seeking behaviour was obvious straight off the bat. The first bit of information about me was revealed in response to her question (I’m from Israel, surface rapport). In response, she started going on about a friend she has that is from there and how much she likes her (medium rapport), as well as telling me a story about how crazy of a driver she is, and how most Israelis are (trying very hard to connect).

The subcommunication was “I get along with Israelis and know lots about them – so we’ll get along well – you should keep talking to me!”. Also, the fact that she talked for so long after the short answer I gave showed that she either wants to prove to me that she knows Israelis, or that she’s trying to give as many points as possible for us to connect on. Or both. Quite obvious now when we’re out of the field, huh?

As to your question, Jazzy – asking too many questions is also a rapport seeking behaviour and would be quite obvious to any girl that has any game.

Example of how I treat information given to me when it’s too early to relate: (beginning of the sarge, need more attraction)

Q: “So where are you from?”
HB: “Ireland.”
Q: “Are you a lepricon? Your nose is red, and your voice is squeaky. Are you after my lucky charms?”
HB: “Hahaha, where are YOU from?”

I respond to their answers with zany humour, usually the kind that shows that I can relate to them but choose not to. This creates fun conversation AND enough intrigue for them to keep asking me questions (and in effect seeking rapport from you).

Great question Jazzy,
QBall

“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.”