Stop Giving Your Power Away

OK, so you fixed your body language and now it’s tight. You have no ticks and you kino quite well.

Most likely, the place where you now lose the most attraction, if you come from a background of ‘nice guy’ is verbally.

Basically the thought process is:
They said something -> they’ve presented their standards -> I’ll show them I can live up to this standard

The actual problem is in the interpretation of something that someone said as a ’standard’ and willing to deviate and represent yourself and malleable and false ways. It comes from not knowing who you are, or alternatively not having strong opinions and sticking to them.

Examples:
Trying to get rapport too early, and over nothing.

Basically answering a short anecdote of hers with a longer one of yours, showing you really want to impress. E.g:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Oh really? A friend of mine went to Egypt with his family when he was 15. He told me he went to all the pyramids bla bla bla bla” (for 30 seconds)

Ironically, this makes a girl feel like you’re not listening, despite your best intentions… You look like you wanna hog attention.

A better way:
Girl: “I’m from Egypt”
Guy: “Cool” (that’s enough to appreciate her statement). “Do you ride Camels there?” (show more interest and let her talk)

Basically, avoid talking too much if she hasn’t. You come off as a douche, and you lose your power.

Answering the “Why” question

This has got to be the biggest one. I see guys doing this so much and it’s just ridiculous. For some reason, when people ask them a question, or sometimes just make an inane comment, they would reply with explaining the reasons to a certain behavior that they’ve done… Talking to people who’s automatic reply is this sort of defensiveness is quite exhausting and makes you feel like they have low self esteem (which they do).

Example:
Girl: “It’s so annoying when guys keep looking into my cleavage”

-> However mind filter for nice guy hears “WHY did you stare into my cleavage?” and so the answer

Guy: “I wasn’t staring at your cleavage”

Arghhhhhhh, exhausting.
Even if some people try to consciously get a reaction out of you that way, don’t react to something like that. I never explain my behavior unless directly asked.
And when directly asked my answer is, more often than not, along the lines of “because that’s what I did / that’s what I want to do”. I may make it more fun, but I hold my right to my behaviors as I know they have good intent.

Example:
Girl: “Why were you holding my hand before?”
Me: “Because I wanted to hold your hand”

Being TOO polite
Notice the following verbal leakage of power:

Ex.1: Can you pass the salt?
Ex.2: Excuse me, sorry. Can you please please pass the salt? Thank thanks. Sorry for asking again.

Basically every time you use the three magic words – please, thank you, sorry – you are giving some power to the person you’re talking to. That’s fine and it’s part of social grace. But please (ha, see what I did there) only use it once. Apologizing more than once, for example is very often more annoying than anything else.

I’ve found that I actually use different words now. Something more along the lines of:
“I have to warn you, I’m quite a messy eater”

much more powerful than

“Let me apologize in advance for being such a messy eater”

Being inconclusive
High usage of the words “like”, “might”, “maybe”, “try”, “sort of”, “kind of”, “I think”, “in my opinion” etc etc.
There is rarely a need to qualify statements with those sort of words. Every time you use them, it’s almost like you’re saying “Oooh, this is a bit edgy, I don’t know how it fits with their world view”.
It’s different if you KNOW they think the opposite. Then you’re being graceful.

Many other times, this is just quite weak. Be a man, make a decision, explain it and go for it. The same for every opinion you hold.

How to fix this

Beliefs create and support habits, and vice versa. Behaviors like this support various beliefs about being not-as-good as other people.

You can attack the issue at various points – the level of self-talk / programming (complete inner game), changing your state (somewhere in between) or your actions (complete outer game). The results will most probably be the same, and the best route of action is a combination of them.

A good couple of affirmations for inner game are attached below. When you pose a negative affirmation to contradict a behavior you have you start noticing it more and more. In the moment, you become aware of how negative it is and how you’re acting from a place of low self esteem. That really helps to weed out that behavior pattern.

- I no longer need to explain myself, to anyone.
- I never attempt to meet anyone standards.
- I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me (cred: RSD Tim)

After those have become a bit easier and that behavior starts disappearing, you can affirm the opposite:

- People / girls explain their behavior to me all the time.
- People /girls always try to meet my standards.
- Everyone needs my approval

Cheers,
Q