You’re frozen when your heart is not open

Hey guys. This is quite a long, and very personal, peek into my life. All the names have been changed to maintain people’s privacy. A lot of lessons have been learnt and I want to share them with you. Here goes.

Who is this man?

XXX is a big American seduction teaching company. I was supposed to be XXX’s main guy in Australia. This is where the story starts.

It started with a little bickering with Benny, another Sydney coach, over the phone – we couldn’t agree on who would lead that weekend’s workshop, as we both wanted to do it and thought we were the best man for the job. I wrote to Supervisor presenting the issue, and let him make his decision. I was expecting him to have me lead that workshop, since XXX was interested in having me represent them here.

I was really surprised by the reply I got the next day. I remember my heart going into my pants when I read in his e-mail that the other instructors had some ‘unpleasant things’ to say about me. He referred me to the instructors forum to read a certain post. I had been asking for access to the instructors forum for a couple of months back then, and kept getting so-called technical reasons for not being able to access it. But that day, I did.

What I read there was just terrible. I didn’t know who was the man they were talking about. Basically speaking, they didn’t like the angle that I did on the workshop.

In all fairness, I have changed drastically from the given curriculum. But there were no paying students (a major administrative fuck up), and the only student we had was one that took the workshop before. I wanted to experiment with teaching my ideas – and I did it with the other instructors approval, as I asked them for their opinion in advance – presenting roughly all the ideas I will be going over. During the workshop, and even the week after that, until the phone call with Benny, I heard no criticism from them. But by then, the instructor’s forum had their opinions about my teaching and me. They didn’t like my ideas, but even worse – they had issues with my psychological make up.

They said I had a dark, bitter side. That I was a megalomaniac. A sociopath. A manipulative misogynist.

Those were people who I thought were my friends… People who I gave a hug to last time I saw during the weekend before, in a workshop we were teaching. People who never mentioned any such form of criticism like this before. Honestly, I’m sitting right here in front of the computer and my eyes just started balling. It’s still a touchy spot.
Most of all, I thought it was a conspiracy back then. I thought it was some sort of political power play where the other instructors wanted me out for their benefit. The reason I thought so was because I couldn’t understand who THE HELL was this person they were describing! Since I knew it wasn’t me, I couldn’t understand why they would write such lies.

Only the main instructor for XXX had kind words to me in that thread:

misogyny will kill you miserably. qball, if you are reading this, know that we are always here for you. we all go thru it. the search for happiness and flow is all that matters.

it’s not about who is right. it’s about what is right.

love always, brothers.

I will not and cannot forget that. Even the people who have met me at that point from XXX were quick to go with the herd and associate me to bad intentions and ill-will, but he had not. Thank God someone still believed that I’m human…

In either way, Supervisor’s e-mail asked me to explain myself and give my version. I opted out of that and rather than explain myself or any of my behaviors, I thanked him for the time I had with XXX and all the things I learnt. I couldn’t even fathom staying to work where people thought that badly of me.

I went on with my life bewildered by what had happened. About a week later, still being on the mailing list for XXX, I got a message that Benny wrote, saying how much of a success his workshop was. He never lead a crowd before, he never felt so confident. I guess he was the right man for the job. I let go of my paranoid ideas of political gain by then, and realized there was probably some feedback there, something I could learn. So, I sent him an e-mail wishing him all the best and asked him if he could elaborate about what I did wrong. I just didn’t understand, really. And for some reason, he thought I wasn’t being sincere about trying to change, and couldn’t come up with any examples. I wrote the other coach a similar e-mail but got no reply. It was a big mystery to me. Who was this man they were speaking of?

An internet quiz reveals my biggest sticking point
2 months passed. My game has been going terribly by then. I was going out, but my mood was terrible. Ever since breaking up with my girlfriend I pulled one girl, and that was two days after the breakup. My libido was down. My mood was down. There was a cloud over my thoughts, something I couldn’t put my finger on – at all!

I got recommended one day to do the personality disorder test on 4degreez.com, just for shits and giggles.

I never thought an internet quiz would change my life so much. It came up with the following:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:High
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

The ones that I got high/very high in basically meant that:
- I can never love anyone as much as I love myself
- I always need to be in the center of attention
- I use people like objects for my purposes

I didn’t even realize that was bad up until it being classified in front of my face as a personality disorder. I thought that’s what you needed to be to ‘get girls’.

I wrote in my blog:

I’ll describe here and now to myself my biggest sticking point:
I’m trying to get something out of girls. I treat them as objects to fulfill my desires, rather than real people. Canned lines that I find myself using lack authenticity, genuine interest and the emotions of love and caring I give to people who are close to me. In short, I am not myself when communicating with girls. The game has taught me many things, but has also suppressed my genuine self.

This message has been given to me so many times. I have realized it before – this is me just writing down my thoughts.
I love the game. It forces me to face my inner demons, slay the dragons of my mind, and become a happier liberated man. And I love all my judges, the lovely girls who I meet, who’s honest feedback as reflected by their actions teaches me what I do right and wrong.

When I did get it, I was shocked. It’s very hard to believe something about yourself you never even knew was there. I was indeed the person the other coaches were describing on the forums!

I wrote e-mails thanking Benny and the other coach for trying to tell me what I was doing wrong.
I guess either I wasn’t ready to listen when they wrote, or perhaps the negative tone of their message in the forum just didn’t help get the message through. But I still love them for trying to guide me out of my pain.

Opening my heart, closure
I put myself on a program to change everything that I thought about women, dropping all routines, agendas or anything else. Forcing myself to go out there everyday and give genuine compliments. And when I couldn’t find that natural genuine vibe, I’d give myself an exercise to sit down and write 10 great things about beautiful girls I see, as well as 3 things that I think are stopping them in life. Basically teaching myself how to open my heart again, to the good honest and loving person I was before I ever knew about the game. While I was doing this little program (it’s called “Superconfidence”, by the way, and is nothing short of amazing), I remember listening to Maddonna’s song “Frozen” one day. It made me cry when she sang these words:

“You’re frozen, when your heart’s not open”.

My heart really was frozen for very long. ‘The game’ brought out the worst demons in me, and inflated them until I couldn’t ignore them anymore. In retrospect, it was a lesson I had to learn.

When I finished this program, all I wanted was closure. Closure with all the women I hurt in my pickup career. All those hearts I tore. It was close to Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. The day of atonement for your sins. I’m very far from being religious, but I like that idea. I don’t fast, I drive my car, and even eat pork on Yom Kippur. But every year, I send apology emails to everyone I think I hurt that year. So I apologized to everyone I could contact. For some I didn’t have any way to do that – no phone, no e-mail, no name…

I eventually met up with a few. And I decided that all I wanted to do when I meet them was to keep my heart open. To take all the shit they can throw at me, all that anger for the things I’ve done to them. And accept it. And love them through it. And not just that. I wanted to be vulnerable.

I told them a quote-unquote deep rapport story. The deepest deep rapport story I ever had. I never told any girl this, and barely any guys. About how I got into this stuff. About how I was a 15 year old kid nerding around on the net, looking for search terms like ‘romance’ and ‘what do women want’ and not finding anything useful. About falling in love with my best friend, who used me to drive her all around town. About trying to romance a girl from my class into loving me. About the terrible hurt-wrenching crushes that I got for girls who I liked, and how I immediately got disgusted by girls who got the same crushes for me. About how I lied to get sex the first time. About how I found out about this community, from a lucky article about Mystery in Marie Claire magazine. And about all the wrong turns I made on my way to where I was then. Looking for my heart.

I couldn’t believe what happened next.
My casual fling, Kitten, who I have been fucking for 6 months, told me lying naked next to me in bed: “Thank you. I understand now.”
I thought she was going to spit on me. That she would be disgusted by who I was and what I’ve done. By my weakness. By not being a man.
She loved me for being strong enough to be genuine and show her my vulnerable side. We got closer and closer from that point on. The dam has been broken and the water was flowing. Honesty was part of our relationship now.

The next girl was Govi, who I haven’t seen for more than a year. Back then, she had already told me she loved me. About a week later she left my room saying “I wish I never met you”. That was the first time I told her I was sleeping with other girls, about 2 months into seeing her. And I told her right after sex… pretty bad timing, eh?

Sitting in a cafe, I told her this story. She started getting closer and closer to me. We ended the night in my bed, and continued to see each other romantically for the next month or so. Her mom calls and she says:
“I’m at Almog’s place. Yes, I did say I hate him. But that was last week!”
God bless women.

The last one was ChinaGirl, my ex-girlfriend. She left my house at a raging storm, when she found another girl’s hair on my bed. I never lied to her, and always told her that it was an open relationship. But at the same time I was acting as if it was just her. By now I know that conveying something is the same as saying it, even more so when it comes to women. Even more so when it comes to me, someone aware enough of all of what I sub-communicate with my behavior. Effectively, I was lying.

When we met in her house, she was very lukewarm. It was 3 months since I saw her last. 3 painful months where I had to facebook stalk the girl I had so much love for to know what was going on with her. She was so cold to me on the phone – all the warmness and love we had were just gone. I preferred not to ever hear her cold voice, which reminded me of how I betrayed her trust.

She was very reluctant to hear this story. She kept changing the subject, getting emotional about it, or simply interrupting me. I had to push through. I had to let her know. At some point I asked her to just listen. I remembered, she was such a good listener before this frostbite behavior set in. She listened.

When I finished telling her this story, and told her how my last months passed thinking about her, she started opening up to me. Telling me how much she missed me. Soon we were cuddled on the bed. Soon we were kissing. I asked her:
“How can this feel so right?”
“Because we are in love”, she said.
We had amazing sex that night. Me and her were in a beautiful, much more honest relationship until lately, when I moved cities and she moved continents.

Closing words
I’m a coach now. I have my company here in Melbourne, and I’ve got a couple of local clients. I’ve been coaching people in the last year. I helped a virgin coachee find a girlfriend. I helped a major player hold onto a strong loving relationship, even when the going got tough. I helped a female coachee with a dark morbid history of abuse and drug-addicted parents to cry in front of her boyfriend in order to show him how much she wants him to quit his drug habits. He’s been clean for a month now…

So just to re-iterate why I think I’m here. I’m in this for love – love which I feel for everyone who comes to me for help, and for those walking, breathing manifestation of beauty and kindness, women. I want to share my ideas, I want to learn from everyone else’s ideas and truly help others. This information was meant to be shared.

Thank you for reading this. I feel a great release in writing it. I thank my luck in finding this path which has made me the man I am today.

To our success in achieving our goals!

Love,
QBall
The original GI Jew